A broken and Contrite Heart

March 29, 2006

I received an email this morning. It was a simple email of just one or two sentences and a request. The writer had actually complimented me on something I had written. I spent more than an hour agonizing over how to respond. That email opened my eyes to something of which I had not been quite aware. I responded and felt somewhat freer in some ways, but in another way I felt like something had been ripped wide open again inside my heart. I had thought that wound healed with only a small scar there inside my being to remind me of a painful period in my life. Now I realize, now I know, the wound has not healed – it is still deep, it is still painful, and I still hurt.

I don’t know why I am surprised that actions and words by a fellow sister or brother in Christ can cause so much pain. I realize that I am angry with myself for letting those words still have such an impact in my life. Why can I not forgive and forget? Why? – Because we never really do forget pain as searing as the pain from words that are meant to hurt. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Oh – such a lie, such a lie!

When I hear hurtful words like those directed at me, what is my immediate response? Build a wall. Build a wall around my heart. Build it tall. Build it strong. Protect that painful place, hide it away, push it down until it is well hidden out of sight. Justify my hurt, justify my anger. Let is simmer just below the surface. If I ignore it – it will go away. But never bring it out into the open and deal with it as it needs to be dealt with. And herein the sin in my own life is revealed.

The psalmist wrote: “Who can discern his errors? Forgive my hidden faults.” And the Teacher wrote in Ecclesiastes: “For God will bring every deed into judgment, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil.”

Was I deserving of the hurtful words? No. They were spoken to me in anger and frustration. Spoken to me in a misunderstanding of my own actions and words. No – I was not deserving of those hurtful words. It is my reaction to those words that is sinful.

I tell myself that I should have recognized the source of the words and let them roll off my heart like “water off a ducks back.” But just as water will seek out any crack or weakness and seep its way inside, the words penetrated into a secret place in my heart. The secret place where I know I am proud. The place that assures me that I am right. The secret place where I hide my insecurities and my sins, so I do not have to face them. And once there, because I did not immediately rip them out and deal with them openly, those words began to fester. I am reminded of a line in the movie, French Kiss where for a different reason altogether, Kate says of Luc’s heart, “Fester, fester, fester. Rot, rot, rot.”

“Who can discern his errors?” Oh, I am so blind to my own sin. Blind until God opens my eyes and shows me that festering, rotting, putrid area of my life, of my thoughts. Why does He do this? Why can’t He just leave me alone and let me live in peace? Why do I have to deal with this? I am not strong enough. I don’t want to deal with it. Just leave it alone! Just leave me alone. “He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.”

Oh Father God in heaven! Give me your mercy. Forgive me of this sin. Clean the festering wound in my heart so that place can heal. Cover it with the balm of your Holy Spirit, with your loving kindness.


Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions.
Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.
For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.
Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
Surely you desire truth in the inner parts;
you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.
Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.
Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.
Save me from bloodguilt, O God,
the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.
In your good pleasure make Zion prosper;
build up the walls of Jerusalem.
Then there will be righteous sacrifices,
whole burnt offerings to delight you;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.
Psalm 51