Moth In The Window

The other day a moth got caught between the two windows here in the office. The little fortichka window was partially open and apparently it flew in and couldn't find it's way back through the little open slit. It was just a plain, drab brown moth.

Plain? Drab? Really? I've modified the photo to highlight this little guys true nature. Oh my! Just look at the beauty in those wings! I would love to be able to weave something even half that beautiful. God's creativity and artistic-ness (is that a word?) never cease to amaze me.

It flew around between the windows for awhile. I tried to shoo it out, but couldn't do it through the pane of glass between us. It took a little rest here on the window frame, spreading it's wings and showing the glorious colors hidden under the brown cloak. What an incredibly beautiful little moth!

Did you see it? I didn't at first. No, my attention was on the beautiful orange and black underwings, the moving 'feelers', the fluttering frantic flitting about all over the window and the window frame. From one side to the other, up to the top, down again to the bottom.

Hidden in plain sight, resting itself on the window from, hidden in the shadow of the big beast beside it, was this little guy.

I am in awe.

Thank you, Father in Heaven, for your gifts of color, of movement, of life. Thank you for the gift of sight, for the gift of joy and pleasure in the small things You have created. You are an amazing God! Thank you for loving even me.
Your Daughter

Ta-Dah!

Blanket started on January 1, 2011, Kiev, Ukraine - the day after we arrived back in Ukraine.

Blanket finished on July 10, 2011, at 7:15pm, Kherson, Ukraine

Yipeeeee!

I bought this with one person in mind - our dear "Ukrainian Daughter", Ira. For a wedding present after she and Yura were married, I embroidered (true embroidery with lots of different kinds of stitches used) a dresser scarf with butterflies. When I decided to make a blanket for her, I again chose the butterfly motif.

Butterflies suit Ira. She told me once, a long time ago, that she loved butterflies. I have not forgotten this fact. I don't know if she still loves butterflies, but she now has several more, or I should say, she will have several more when I give this to her.

Ira is leaving Ukraine as soon as she can. This fact makes my heart sad, but at the same time, I understand the reasons. My biggest concern was that I would not get this blanket finished before she left. Now, she's planning on coming back sometime in the near future for a short period of time. She's storing their things with family and friends until that time. But they are not planning on returning permanently, if possible. Whatever happens, I wanted her to at least see this before she leaves, finished and complete. She may store it here until she has a place wherever they end up. Or she may take it with her. I don't know and I don't really care either way. I'm giving her a photo of it, too, to take with her as a bookmark or something, as a reminder of it in case she leaves it here for now.

Why is this important to me? And ultimately to her, although she will never know the whole truth? Because this blanket is saturated in prayer. Prayer for her, for her husband, for her son, for other members of her family, for her church family as well - but not as much as for her, Ira herself. I tried to spend time every single time I worked on it specifically praying for her. So, no matter where the blanket ends up - the prayers have happened and will continue to have impact on her until the day she dies. That is the wonder of prayer - they have no expiration date! I won't stop praying for her, but I may not pray with such intensity as I start other projects or work on other projects bound for other people. I hope that every time she looks at it, or thinks of it, she will focus on her Heavenly Father.

News and Reactions

I just read an article and I can't help it. I'm trembling inside, and maybe even on the outside as well. I begin to understand the verses that talk about people's legs turning to water in fear.

Every hand will go limp,
and every knee will become as weak as water.
Ezekiel 7:17
I read America's Last Call, by David Wilkerson yesterday (took me two days to read it, actually, and you can only read it for free on the internet - you can't download it, to read otherwise, you must buy a copy). Then today I read The Worst Mississippi River Flood Ever, in The Economic Collapse blog. These two are both written by Christian men, although the second one is not a "Christian" blog, as I understand it.

Maybe I read too much. Maybe if I stuck my head in the sand like so many other people I know, I wouldn't have 'knees weak as water' right now.

Actually, I cannot do that. It is stupid to stick your head in the sand, to not know the times in which you live, to not be ready in as much as any one can be ready for what is coming.

I truly pray that there is a rapture of the Church before the Great Tribulation begins. We are so close... so very, very close.

And the days are flying by at an amazing rate of speed. It is already the 7th of May! The year will soon be half over, and then we'll turn around and it will be 2012. Times doesn't just fly - it speeds by like an ultra-sonic jet.

So, I continue to read, to think, to pray, to understand the times.

What disturbs me now is that I feel so unready for all of this. I want it to be just a few more years off in the future. I look at my spiritual state and in some ways I'm terrified. I see so much sin in my life, 'besetting sins' that I fight against, give in to, cry over, repent of and then the battle begins again. I wonder, can a truly born again person have this continual battle over the same sins, over and over and over again? Am I really one of God's chosen, one of His elect saints? Or am I deceiving myself and the sin I cannot conquer, cannot get rid of in my life is proof that I am none of His? Oh, how that terrifies my heart! I quake inside at the thought of the judgement that is to come from God Almighty on the unrepentant and I pray, Pray! that He will have mercy on my soul.

I told Mel not long ago that I wish I had died several years ago when I was still full of confidence in my relationship with God, that I had no doubts at all over the state of my soul. When I did not struggle as I struggle now with these sins, was in fact, unaware of many of them. Life was so much simpler then! And I was so confident in my salvation, in my relationship with God.

I know in my head, and I know in my heart, that I have received the mercy of Jesus Christ's blood shed on the cross for me, that it washes away my sin, makes me white as snow, that when God looks at me He sees the work of His Son and not unregenerate me. Yet...yet! I am aware of that sin and I am aware of the times when I say - "I'm tired of trying! I'm tired of fighting it! I'll give in right now and repent again later." And I wonder ... could a true born again Believer really do that?? What of this willful sin? Is it proof that I am not who I think I am? Has my life, my confidence all been a lie all this time?

Oh, the turmoil inside sometimes is almost overwhelming!

There are times when I want to curl up in a little ball (little - ha!) in the corner of a dark room, with my hands over my head and just sleep. There are other times when I never want to read another article, another news story, another blog as long as I live. There are times when I want to just do what I want to do and let the rest of the world go to hell in a hand basket (as my mother used to say).

But, I cannot do any of that. Tomorrow I will stand up in front of a dozen or two kids and teach that that Jesus promised his disciples that he would pray for them, and by extension - us. And that means me. I am a part of that 'us' if I am truly born again.

And I feel a sense of peace come over me as I think about it - that I have a great High Priest in heaven, standing before the Father, pleading my case, making intercession for me, that I do not stand alone.

Way back when I was pregnant and getting ready to deliver, I went through classes that taught us how to breathe and use our minds to help control the pain. We were supposed to make ourselves a warm beach to lie on and imagine ourselves there. Well, in a way, that is what I do now - only I don't make it up.

I "see" Christ standing there before the throne of God, interceeding for me, telling his Father that I am one of God's chosen, washed in the blood of the Lamb, dressed in white linen, purified. I focus on Christ - I see no face, just the form of a man with the marks of crucifixion on his head and hands and feet. And something inside me
relaxes

and calms

and I want to weep

in joy
and sadness
and release
and longing.

Come quickly, Lord Jesus!

David Wilkerson - 1931-2011

From a friends' facebook post: Rev. Wilkerson, author of "The Cross and the Switchblade," founder of Teen Challenge and the Times Square Church, Manhattan, was killed in a head-on collision yesterday. This link is to his blog and may be the last words he wrote. "Blessed are those that do believe and have not seen" (John 20:29). Yes. He can now add, and "Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord.." (Revelation 14:13) David Wilkerson Today

I am grieving the death of this man, a man that to my knowledge I had never met. (I met a lot of people over the years while working at the Young Life International Service Center, so it is possible I met him years and years ago and just don't remember.) I have read his book, The Cross and the Switchblade, I've listened to some of his sermons on YouTube and I've read parts of his blog over the past 2 or 3 years. And I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that this man prayed for America. Agonized and shed many tears for the sin of America. He prophecied a coming judegement, America's Last Call, which is available to read online, but cannot be printed (it must be purchased from World Challege to print it unfortunately). I highly recommend reading it.

I wonder, who will step forward to stand in the gap? Who will take his place, praying for America? Praying for the church? Agonizing over the sin so prevelant around us?

Yes, a man I never met - and I mourn his passing. Mourn because I suddenly feel a cold wind of exposure that was not there before.

Who will stand in his place? Lord, please raise someone up! We need another Daniel! We need another Nehemiah! We need another David Wilkerson!

Difficult Praying

Prayer. Mel and I were talking about prayer this morning while I was working on my latest woven scarf. I have a feeling that I don't have the same view of praying that many other people have. I've written here before that it bothers me that so often we pray that God will make someone we care about well, or the friend or relative of someone we know, or someone we heard about on tv or the news, and on it goes. It's like it's become God's job: to make people well. Like we boss Him around and tell Him what to do.

There is another issue that is bothering me right now, too, about how we sometimes pray.

I want very much for both of my sons to marry, and to marry well. To have happy marriages. To have Godly wives. To raise Godly children. To be content in that aspect of life.

But...

Neither one of them are married at this point. So - how should I pray?

I already pray for their future spouses in general ways. But that is future. This is now.

I listened to someone pray the other day and again heard the phrase - bring Godly spouses for the singles in our church. And I thought - wait a minute! What if they are destined to never marry? Then what? Do we keep praying that God will bring Godly spouses simply because underneath everything we think and say about "God's will for our lives", we truly believe that unless we are married, we have a second rate life? Ei yi yi. How horrible! I've known too many happily single people to ever believe that is true. Older single people who have wonderful lives, busy, adventurous, fruitful in ministries, happy. Yet, if all we ever pray for them is an order for God to bring them spouses and then they can have Godly children, we are in essence saying that God has given them second best and we know what is better for them than He does. I've known too many unhappily married people to think marriage is always the best for everyone.

Why don't we pray that God will make our singles content where they are for the time period they are in, and if it be God's will, for God to please bring them Godly spouses? If marriage is held up to them as the end all and be all (is that how that phrase is said?), then they will be discontent and lose the blessings God is giving them in their singleness. In unhappiness at being single, they could so easily fall into sexual sin of one kind or another, desperately searching for a spouse.

From now on I am praying - God, please help our singles to be happy and content where they are now in life, and if it will bring more glory to You, please bring them Godly spouses. (And for my sons as well. Make them content where they are, but please bring them Godly wives. :-) ).

I Thessalonians 5:16-18 "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

The second thing I've been thinking about is praying for healing. A person we know has been at death's door now for quite some time. It's like she's just hanging there on the edge of death, suffering incredible pain all the while. People pray and ask for God to heal her. I think to myself - if God heals her now, she will only have to go through this whole dying process again! No one lives forever, not even Lazarus did after Jesus raised him from the dead. I do not want to pray that this woman will die - NO!!! That is not my point at all. I have begun praying that God will help her to die well, to die with grace, bringing Him glory throughout the whole process. The funny (not haha kind of funny) thing is - now it looks like she may have treatments of some kind that could maybe bring her back to some sort of better health. I think to myself - so close to Paradise, and snatched away, only to look forward to the dying process all over again.

Would I want to do that? Am I so afraid of dying, something that we ALL must go through, that I am willing to go through all of whatever it is before the actual step across the threshold, all of that over again? The pain, the suffering? Is living better than what is ahead of me? Or is it just the fear of the unknown that would cause me to cling to physical life with every ounce of strength and every known healing practice?

I don't know. I pray for her, that whether she lives or dies, she will bring glory to God.

I have come to the point where I don't know how to pray for specific groups of people. Singles. The ill. The dying.

No, I don't know how to pray, other than - Father, what ever brings glory to YOU. And - help us all to submit to your will.

Romans 8:26,27 "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God."

Prayer

"I used to think that prayer should have the first place and teaching the second. I now feel it would be truer to give prayer the first, second and third places and teaching the fourth."
- James O. Fraser

This was not the quote I was looking for tonight, but it is the quote God wanted me to see. I have struggled for quite some time over why I am here. I won't go into the reasons here on my blog. I'll leave it at the point that I realized today that I do not have a very strong personality.

For several months, maybe even a couple years now, I've felt like God has been calling me to a ministry here in Ukraine of prayer. Not prayer as in "never miss the Tuesday afternoon prayer meeting" or even "get together with a couple other people and pray". No, it is a deeper thing than that, although both of those are very important.

I see things other people do not see. I've been poo-pooed so many times and made to feel ridiculous because of others attitudes that I've just mostly stopped saying what I see and what I think. I'm tired of trying to hold my own against other stronger personalities.

Actually, I'm very tired. Very.

I was weaving the other day and was reminded in my inner spirit to pray for something. So as I sat, pushing the weft threads back and forth, back and forth, pulling the heddle down and beating the threads against each other, praying. The last time I worked on my embroidery I prayed for the person it's intended for and that whole family. I prayed for my grandkids, for my husband, for members of my team, the church, and so forth. And tonight, while listening to a sermon with Mel, weaving back and forth, back and forth, I listened and God spoke in that still, quiet voice.

He is calling me to pray. It is a wider call than here, our church, our team, my family. It is a world-wide call, if that makes sense.

I am interested in what is happening all over the world. I see patterns. I see possible/probable outcomes. And if I don't pray, I can become afraid. Afraid for my family, mostly, for my grandchildren, mostly, because they are not yet Believers. But I am also very concerned for the Church world-wide. Fear is not from God, it is from the Evil One.

So a call to prayer, to a ministry of prayer, to a ministry I cannot do if I'm busy doing other things, other things that I have been kept from doing one way or the other. And that gives me a peace I've never had since we arrived in Kherson.

Along with this tonight, over the past several months I've felt that God is calling me to quietness. I have a quiet voice already and am talked over so often. I lost track years ago of how many times I get part of a thought out of my mouth and the other person(s) take off and jabber over whatever else I was going to say. This has happened so many times that when I am speaking, I often just shut up in the middle of a sentence because no one is listening anyway - they are talking over me. There has been a lot of wounded pride in this over the years. Pain. Anger. Depression. Yet, tonight I am realizing that maybe this is a gift. The gift of quietness. Of silence. Of stillness. Of observation. Of seeing and praying. Truly, I have a sence of peace over this that I have not experienced for a very long time.

"I pray that no missionary will ever be as lonely as I have been." - Lottie Moon

I am tired. Very tired. But I have my work to do. To meditate on God's Holy Word, to watch, to listen, to pray. And to rest in Him.

Will I never say anything again? Ha! Hardly! I'm sure I'll get some of my opinions out. I just pray that it will not be so important to me any more to "hold my own".

There is a sense of freedom in opening my hands and saying to myself and to God, "This (ministry, opinion, thought, idea, whatever) is not mine to hold on to, to be proud of, to demand it be attended."

"So many missionaries, intent on doing something, forget that His main work is to make something of them..."
Jim Eliot

My Heart's Cry Tonight

I read the news coming out of Egypt, I watch FoxNews video coming out of Egypt.

And I weep. Tears fall from my eyes.

I weep for my brothers and sisters in Christ who live in Egypt.

I weep for the future of Egypt and what is coming for them as a country.

Once again I wish I could open the book and read what happened tomorrow and next week and wonder in amazement at what God did. Instead, we will live each day as it comes and see with our own eyes what God does and is doing even in this very moment that I write.

We are living in days that people have thought about and prayed for for millenia.

I am sick tonight, sneezing and nose like a faucet turned on full blast. I don't feel well. And I am tired. I want to pray and all that runs through my mind is "hold us in the palm of your hand, Lord, give us strength to endure, give us peace and security in the knowledge that we are your children. Watch over my family, bring my grandchildren to faith - oh Lord! May they be chosen by you, loved by you! With every ounce of my being I pray this. In the Name of Your Son, Jesus Christ."

I think of all the people all over the world who have no idea as to what is coming. I'm not sure which is best - ignorance or knowledge at this point.

I know a few things for certain - God is sovereign. God is holy. God is patient. But there will come a time when the cup of his wrath is full and he will bring judgement on this earth that is unimaginable.

Egypt! Why am I so concerned over what is happening in Egypt? I do not know for certain.

I told Mel earlier tonight (I've said this before, I'm sure he's tired of hearing it) that something "changed" in 2008. I remember when it happened, when I felt the change the very first time. Sitting here in our livingroom, talking with him about something - and it was like someone flipped a switch. There was the before and now there is the after. I wish I had written it down, explored it fully at that point (I need to go back and reread my blog posts at that time and see if I did write something, I don't remember doing so, but who knows?)

I am disturbed by the fact that I find no joy in what I see God doing. One of the sermons from Revelation that I listened to said that as Christians we should/will rejoice to see God punish and destroy evil on this earth. People - evil people. The preacher said we think we are better than God, more compassionate than He is, and so we get upset when we think of Him destroying evil people, the evil in this world. Yet, I do not think I am more compassionate than God. In many ways I think I have very little compassion for anyone other then myself and my closest family and that bothers me greatly. But I weep for Egypt and I weep for my Christian brothers and sisters there now who are and will be facing the wrath of their enemy, Satan, and his followers to an even greater degree once the "shield" of the current dictatorship is removed and the radicals are given freedom to act as they desire. Maybe that is where so much of my sorrow comes from - I see the growth of evil billowing and billowing and billowing, out of control (to human eyes). And yet - to think of God destroying it all ... what an internal battle I have going on! Do I love the world more than Him? In my heart of hearts I know the answer to that is yes, and that terrifies me. I fall on my knees and ask the Spirit to pray on my behalf because I do not know how to pray! Do I love God? Do I love Jesus Christ? Do I love the Holy Spirit? Oh, what frightening questions - simply because I know what a sinner I am, even though I am a child of God, and that I will never on this earth be able to love him as I should. I want to fall on my face and thank him and praise him for calling me and loving me and dying for me - ME! - when I know even only a little bit of how unrighteous I am!

So there is the up and down, the back and forth - the knowledge and love of God, the knowledge and fear because I know how unworthy I truly am. The seeing what is happening and the wishing that I lived in ignorance and that it was 1958 all over again and I was a child who did not know.

I remember the words to a song - "hide me in the cleft of the Rock". Hide me, Lord, as your wrath begins to be revealed. Hide my family in the cleft of the Rock. Hide my brothers and sisters. Help us to rejoice in your righteousness.

Oh Father. Your peace is not of this world, that is for sure. Yet, as I pray, I feel it and am comforted. I praise you and thank you.

Rock of Ages
by Augustus M. Toplady, 1740-1778
Rock of Ages, cleft for me,
let me hide myself in thee;
let the water and the blood,
from thy wounded side which flowed,
be of sin the double cure;
save from wrath and make me pure.

Not the labors of my hands
can fulfill thy law's commands;
could my zeal no respite know,
could my tears forever flow,
all for sin could not atone;
thou must save, and thou alone.

Nothing in my hand I bring,
simply to the cross I cling;
naked, come to thee for dress;
helpless, look to thee for grace;
foul, I to the fountain fly;
wash me, Savior, or I die.

While I draw this fleeting breath,
when mine eyes shall close in death,
when I soar to worlds unknown,
see thee on thy judgment throne,
Rock of Ages, cleft for me,
let me hide myself in thee.

Seeing and Understanding

Programs like this are wonderful when you trust your government. However, when your government is trying to control every aspect of your life, it is a different story.

I wish I could believe in the purposes for programs like these being truly altruistic. Unfortunately, I know that the heart of man is evil and that power corrupts. Fortunately, I also know Who is ultimately in control of every thing that happens on this earth, and that He has ordained what will come to pass from before the creation of the universe.

We live in interesting times. I become more and more aware every week that most people cannot see beyond the end of their noses. Most people cannot put 2 and 2 together and see what is really happening in our world. Most people do not want to know at all.

I weep.

Mel and I have been reading a lot about what is happening in the Church, especially in the States. She, the Church, has wandered far, far from her roots. New Age spiritualism is being accepted, many churches are geared toward "doing what is right in their own eyes" rather than preaching the Gospel of Jesus Christ (repent of your sin! Jesus Christ is the WAY, the TRUTH and the LIFE, Jesus is the only way to reach God - in other words, following what God Himself has said is the only way to be His child and to worship Him, the Holy Bible). We read of how false doctrines are taking root, God is being blasphemed by misrepresentations of Him (The Shack, as one example), the Emerging Church, Purpose Driven Life indoctrination and subsequent movement toward unholy union with the world, and much, much more. This is REAL. People follow their leaders like sheep to the slaughter and never open their Bibles to study and see if what they are being taught is TRUTH or simply tickling of their ears.

Yesterday between church and our Sunday team dinner together I had an emotional melt-down of sorts. Ended up weeping over the evil I see around us, my concerns for my children and family members, and frustration over the apparent blindness of so many people I know. There are very, very few people I can talk to about these things. There are many people who also see what is going on, but they have gone off the deep end, one direction or another, and I do not want to be labeled in their respective groups.

Because I cannot freely talk to others, when I do talk about it, I am like a shaken bottle of champagne.

As Mel told me yesterday, there is a balance that needs to be found. During the conversation, somewhere exactly I don't remember, I asked him if Jeremiah also needed to find a balance? Or Isaiah? Or any other of the the Old Testament prophets?

How DO people live in balance when they see the truth of what is happening and the rest of the world just continues on in total blindness, or goes off the deep end into weird stuff?

Oh, it is so very, very difficult! Even writing this out I know that some who read it are going to immediately jump to all sorts of conclusions about me, what I believe, my mental state, my emotional state. I remember the reactions the Prophets got! And although I do not even begin to place myself among their number, claim absolutely to have no "word from God" about all of this - I am not blind, I SEE what is going on, I UNDERSTAND what is going on - how do I remain silent?

Mel asks me - if all of this is true, then - what is God telling me to do about it?

And therein lies my frustration. I do not know. I am not a prophet - I only see the obvious. I am not a preacher - although I am sure that I am a teacher. I do know that I have prayed more in the last year for my family and friends than I have ever prayed in my life. It is possible that God has allowed me to 'see' so that I do pray more.

So, a simple little YouTube video, innocuous in and of itself, is just one more nail in the coffin, one more little proof of what I see we are headed for.

My prayer is that God will keep my family faithful. I pray that my sons and daughter will repent from willing sins. I pray that they will eagerly look forward to Christ's return. I pray for my parents, as they are in their last years of life, that they will not fear death, but will live for Christ completely and stand firm to the end. I pray for my grandson, that God will remove his heart of stone and give him a heart of flesh that loves God, worships God and seeks to live for and serve God during these final years of earths' existence. I pray for my sisters and my brother. So many prayers, so many petitions to God, with the over riding plea - "Please, God, keep my family and my Christians friends faithful during these times! Do not let them fall away, help them to stand firm to the end. And those who do not yet believe on your Son, Jesus Christ - oh Father, open their eyes to see the Truth! Draw them, regenerate them, hold them firmly in the palm of your hand - soon, Father, quickly! The time is oh, so very short!"

Autumn Thoughts and Prayer

Autumn is my favorite season. I'm not sure why, exactly. There is something wonderful about the smells and sounds and views of autumn.

At the same time, autumn is a sad season. And I am feeling it today.

I spent several minutes out on the balcony this morning, working on an embroidery project. This is a new project, not the big project I've been working on. I have about 2 dozen projects started, all in various stages of completion. All set aside for one reason or another. Mostly, I just get tired of working on them and go on to something else. That is why I've been trying to finish up a few this year, and to some extent I have succeeded.

As I sat working on this project, I listened to the wind blowing in the trees. Now, being on the 3rd floor puts our balcony right up here in the leaves of the trees. There is some sort of tree right off the edge of the balcony and next year we may have to cut back some branches if they actually reach into the balcony space. Just beyond that tree is a half dead poplar, or topal as it is in Russian (think the guy who played Tevya in Fiddler on the Roof - his name is/was Topal, too). My tutor said something on Wed. that I thought was very appropriate. She said that the trees sound sad this time of year.

Why is that, I wonder? What is the difference in the sound of their leaves rustling and the wind blowing through them that makes a 'sad' sound? I think it has to do with our own human awareness of what that particular sound means.

Ending.
Time is short.
Life is short.

Autumn is my favorite time of year. I have more fall decoration for the flat than any other season. Orange and brown are my least favorite colors, yet I have pumpkins and orange leaves and candle holders, etc. I love autumn - but it makes me sadder every year.

Life is short. Another summer has passed, another autumn is arriving oh, so very quickly.

My joints are hurting. My thumbs are stiff and at times while I embroider, I can barely hold the needle between thumb and finger. I wonder - how many more seasons do I have before I will have to put down needle and thread altogether? The thought makes me want to weep. I have been embroidering all sorts of things for 50 years! My mother taught me the very basics sometime around the age of 5 and I have loved creating with cloth and colored thread ever since. But now - now in the autumn of my own life, I see an end in view. And it saddens me terribly.

Yesterday while cooking a delicious pumpkin soup, I reached up toward the top of my hanging baskets to get a cube of bullion. Mel had put them up there because he often drinks a cup of bullion whenever he is hungry but cannot afford carbohydrates or fat in his diet. He can easily reach them up there. I used to be able to reach them without problem. Yesterday I reached up and within seconds I was almost on my knees on the floor in agony. My right shoulder felt like it was full of sharp knives and needles, sawing away at the bone. I'm not sure if I have a torn rotor cuff, arthritis or something else going on. All I am sure of is - I can no longer reach things that far above my head, including the top shelf of the cupboards.

A part of me is terrified. I do not want to be an invalid. I do not want to have to call Mel every time I need something from one of those shelves. I do not want to wake up every time I turn over in bed and raise my hand up over my head (I had not realized how often I sleep with my hand above my head - until now).

I know that I am in the autumn of my life, just beginning that season, really. I love autumn in nature and I have always wanted to grow old with dignity and honor. The reality is painful, though, and in many ways it frightens me. This is personally uncharted territory. I've watched my mother go through the autumn of her life, just before me a few years, and I have seen the physical pain and the changes that have happened to her. She is only 17 years older than me so it is all very fresh in my mind.

Oh, I do not want to go back to the younger years when I was having children and raising a young family. I have gone through those years, suffered through the trials and tribulations of those years, rejoice and laughed and enjoyed the wonderful parts of those years. No, I do not want to go back to the summer or even the spring of my life.

But I take these next steps into the autumn of my life with more than a little trepidation.

The breezes blow through the trees outside my balcony, my mind wanders down familiar paths, my hands carefully work the thread and cloth and I pray. Father God in heaven, I long for heaven. I long to see your face. I long to be in your presence forever! I long for a body that is not too fat, is not full of arthritis, that is not temporary. I long to spend eternity with you, in your "physical" presence, no doubts, no yearnings, no fears. Help me through these autumn years. Help me to glorify you here on earth with the time I have left. I know that these are really just the birth pangs to my true life, and birth is often difficult. Give me courage. Give me peace. Give me strength to endure what is to come. Help me trust you fully, Father, and never to forget that you love me.

An Answered Prayer

Mel is home from presbytery and I think, as he would say, "Now my world is round again."

For some reason before he left this time I was really worried about the trip to and from. He had to go early for a meeting in Odessa with the other Ukraine Team city leaders, so took a marshutka. Last night he told me it was a frightening ride. I questioned why and he responded that he thought the driver was too interested in keeping an eye on the rear view mirror rather than the road. Why? Because of the passenger in the short short skirt sitting in the front seat. Mel said they were all over the road even more than usual, into the ditch, across the center line into oncoming traffic, weaving in their own lane - all at over 50-60 mph when traffic allowed. On the way home in a private car, the driver (who will remain un-named, but is not an American) was doing 160 kilometers per hour - or, 99.4 mph - on these unbelievably bad at times roads.

Seriously, I felt compelled to pray for Mel off and on while he was gone, but especially all day yesterday. I even sent him a text message while I was sitting at a bus stop waiting for a trolleybus, asking him where he was at. I just had visions of them flipping over and over through a wheatfield somewhere between here and Odessa. I didn't get a response for about 3 hours - and then this is the total conversation: (me) Where are you? (him, much later)In Ukraine. (me, immediately) Ha. Ha. (written in a very sarcastic tone :) )

But at least I knew they were still alive and on the way home.

I know you are not supposed to worry, but - I felt worry. Or maybe if you don't like that word I will change it to 'concern'. I felt great concern over this trip. So I prayed, many many many times - God please keep your hand on Mel, keep him safe, bring him back to me. And of course, I added all sorts of reasons why God should do that - but alot of those reasons are selfish and will remain unwritten at this point. :) :)

I'm glad that I can pray. I'm glad that I love my husband. I'm glad that God says I can go to him and cast all my cares on him (which means I have to have cares to cast). I'm glad God listens - because each time the thoughts came to mind and I prayed, I felt peaceful afterward, knowing that whatever happened - God was listening to me and that He is in control, not matter what His holy will actually was. I'm so glad and I'm so thankful that Mel is home, safe and sound. I lay in bed last night, listening to him sleep, his back toward me, my hand on his hip touching him so I knew for sure that he was really there - and I prayed once again:

"Thank you, Father God in heaven - thank you for bringing my husband home safe and sound."