Monday

Busy day today. Did some laundry, did some cleaning, did some studying, did some cooking, did some rearranging, did some reading, did a bunch of work on the computer with photos for a church in the States, talked with my daughter, son-in-law and 2 grandkids for over an hour on skype late tonight. Yes, it was a fairly busy day. Didn't do any embroidery or weaving, though.

I thought it was interesting that after writing about Lord of the Rings last night, at the very end of my post, while talking to my kids tonight they told me they watched the first two movies of the trilogy last night. Apparently my grandson was quite fascinated with Golum. :-) Why does this not surprise me? haha!

The sun actually shone for awhile today. I can't believe how much of a difference that makes for me! It was wonderful, that weak, watery sunshine coming through the window and splashing across the livingroom floor. Very nice. Which reminds me, I really need to wash the balcony windows!! As soon as it's not freezing again.I was surprised when I hung those jeans out to find that what was already out there had frozen spots at the clothespins (and no, I still have not found my box of clothespins - those out there have been out there for over a year!).

I am enjoying the class I'm taking via DVD on Intro to Geology, put out by The Teaching Company. The prof is really funny to me, in a dry humor sort of way, in a good old home boy kind of way, in a typical American kind of way. He makes me laugh just the way he phrases things. I've also noticed that it helps me think about other things, which is good. I've gone back and looked at a few of the photos from places we've been and just looked at some of the geology. And we haven't even gotten much past describing what plate techtonics and minerals are yet.

When I grow up I want to be a geologist. That's after I'm a space explorer astronomer first. And expert weaver artist. And a storm chaser, too. (Maybe I'll get the course on Weather next - we gave that to Andrew for Christmas and he says it's really good, he's learning a lot while watching it. That's very nice to hear!)

There are so many things I want to do! :-) So much I want to know. So much I want to see. I'm so thankful that in my day and age there are things like this course that I can take for a reasonable price in the comfort of my own home, at my own pace.

Life may not always be really happy, but it is seldom dull. That is good.

Random - Seems Like That's All I Ever Do Now!

1 11 11

Todays date. will be better on 11 11 11. I like patterns in dates and times like these. :-)

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There are so many times I wish I could look back at the present and say, "Wow! Look what God was doing at that point! And look what happened because of ... and ...!" I love to read history for that very reason. I can see the patterns, and I can see the flow from this point to that point, and it all makes so much sense.

However, in the midst of it happening, it rarely makes sense.

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I was looking at a photo of myself from my 14th birthday the other day. Today I looked at photos of a friend when she was just a few years older. And I was amazed at how much she and I have changed over the years. Time does a lot of things to the human body! :) Good thing God is going to give us new (and perfect) bodies in heaven. I am sooooooo looking forward to my new one!

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I know we are back in Ukraine. No doubt about it. There is a water leak in the kitchen. We aren't sure where exactly, but whenever we use water, a puddle ends up in front of the sink. Under the sink it is dry - "under" as inside the door on top of the cabinet floor. Who knows what's going on under that on top of or underneath the linoleum? Yuck! Sigh. I just really, really hope it's not soaking the kitchen wall downstairs. We've flooded poor Galena Sergeiovna way too many times as it is.

Before Mel left for a meeting with Jamie this afternoon, I made sure I knew how to turn off the water to the whole flat. Sigh. Double sigh. Dramatic sigh.

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I found a very interesting blog, The End Time. She and I agree on almost everything, except the timing of the Rapture. Over the years I've come to stop (is that a phrase?) believing in a pre-trib rapture of the Church. I think we're going to go through the whole tribulation period. It's not because God is judging us along with the rest of the world at that time, but because we will remain Salt and Light during those terrible dark days. I just can't believe that people will become Christians after the rapture. It's like God is saying to them - "Ooops! Sorry! I took my church too soon and you didn't make your choice for me before, maybe you will now, so now I'm giving you another chance to maybe, possibly choose me." (Much wringing of hands) There is something about calling the rocks to fall on them to hide them from God that tells me if they didn't repent now, they aren't going to repent then.

Otherwise, I find her blog very interesting. She and I see the same things happening all around us and interpret them basically the same.

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I wish I believed in a pre-trib rapture still. I really don't want to go through what is going to happen - what is already beginning to happen.

On the other hand, when I was younger I always wanted to have a martyr's crown when I die. Hmmmm - that doesn't look so wonderful now, humanly speaking. I understand much better now what actually comes with the acquiring of that martyrdom. Still, I pray that I will stand firm to the end. No matter what.

More Random Thoughts, on a Saturday

Slept well last night. Thank you, Father in Heaven. I really needed that! Feel much more cheerful this morning. I really needed that, too!

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Our son, Peter, has a girlfriend and it looks to be pretty serious. I am very excited about this. I've prayed for his future wife since he was a baby. I'm wondering - is she the one I've been praying for, off and on, all these years?

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It's only 68 degrees in here. Not very warm - but not cold enough to complain about yet. However, I think I'll go put on an unbuttoned long-sleeved shirt over my short-sleeved blouse.

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The penguins are back. A very large one just flew past the balcony.
What is that you say? Penguins don't fly? They swim?
Oh yes, these are not penguins, they are pigeons.

Sometime over the past 3 years these two words have become mixed up in my brain. Almost everytime I want to say something about a pigeon (outloud), the word penguin comes out instead. It did just a few minutes ago when I said to Mel, "Oh, a very large bird just flew past the balcony! It looked like a hawk, but it must have been a raven." (I'd only caught a glimpse of movement, you see - like feathers flying past.) I got up from the chair, went over and looked outside. "Oh, it was just a penguin."

We didn't used to have pigeons - or penguins, either, for that matter - here in our area of town. About 2 years ago they began appearing. Gobs of them.

Hmmmm - another bird to add to my list of "bird changes in the recent past".

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Lest anyone thing I've changed, I still watch the earthquake page. Have the whole time we were in the States and since we got back. The earth, she is moving a lot.

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Washed the inside of the kitchen window, then opened the inside one and washed the 'outside' of it and inside of the outside window. Will wait to wash the outside of the outside window until it's a bit warmer and the water is on (water went off while I was washing the inside of the inside window). Looks a whole lot better! I also washed all of the glassware I use for storing pasta, etc. there in the window. I love the way clean glass shines. Makes the whole room look cleaner and happier.

Merry Christmas!

Today was Christmas Day here in Ukraine, and in other parts of the Eastern Orthodox world. We went to church this morning and had a very nice service. Then this evening we went over to our team mates home and had dinner together. It was great to have everyone together again for the first time in over a year!

However, since church this morning it has felt like Sunday to all of us. :-) It does NOT feel like a Friday at all.

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I'm trying to stay up later tonight and maybe I'll make it to 11 pm since it's already 10:45. I went to bed last night around 9 and woke up at midnight and was awake until around 4a.m. Sigh. I am exhausted. I'm hoping for a good night's sleep tonight. Along with being tired I feel depression seeping in through the cracks. Thank God - literally - Thank God that the past 2 days we've had quite a bit of sunshine because it does help to keep depression at bay.

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I need to spend a long time in the Word tomorrow. I feel parched.

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I brought some Christmas lights from the States, LED flowers on a battery powered string about 3 feet long. I really like the way the colors change and they are so bright. Think I'll go in, lie down and watch them for awhile and try to pray. I so do not want to get depressed and I love colors and I love Christmas lights. I can handle feeling sad, and I think that's all this is right now - saddness - but I'll even take some extra Vitamin D and start taking a B Complex tomorrow as well. Ei yi yi.

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I put on one of my new knee-high boots this morning to wear to church. Something was in my boot. What? I've never worn them before. Reached down and pulled out a plastic green triangle block. Eithnee's. Now how did that get in my boot??

Our team mates have an 17 month old little girl. I watched her tonight and had absolutely no desire to pick her up, cuddle her, nuzzle her neck or kiss/hug her. None. All I could think of was a little girl half way around the world that needs her grandmother's arms around her, holding her. And a little boy who misses me, but not as much as I miss him, I'm sure.

I think one of the things that I have learned here in Ukraine is that loving hurts. I was going to a baby hospital for almost 3 years, once or twice a week, to hold and then play with abandoned babies as they got older. Three kids were there the whole time while others came and went. One day I went in, they were 3 years old, and all 3 were gone. Poof! Gone. One was adopted by a Ukrainian family, so I was told. The other two went into the orphanage, so I was told. I've never heard about them since even though I asked several times where the orphanage kids were at specifically. I never went back. It hurt too bad, and I was told there were no more abandoned babies there anyway. True? I don't know.

It hurts to love.

My grandchildren are not abandoned. I have not abandoned them - yet sometimes I feel like I have. Like I am the one who abandoned them and they will feel that way all their lives - that their grandmother abandoned them. Oh - I pray that is not true. Kara wrote that Eithnee does seem to miss me and all the holding and loving I gave her. I pray that this does not affect her negatively at her very young age.

But there is nothing I can do - these things happen to all of us at some time in our lives.

Yet, I looked at that little girl tonight and there was no desire to hold her. A little verbal play, yes - but physical touch - no.

This saddens me.

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I made it! It's 2 minutes 'til 11:00pm. Time for bed. Finally! Sleep - please come and take me away for 8 hours!!!

Random Thoughts on a Thursday

I really, really need to clean the windows in this room. The sun is shining and it is beautiful, but cold, outside. However, the windows are gray and block some of the sunshine that wants to come in. Hmmm - gotta move some stuff and get busy!

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Ok! Cleaned all but the little fortichka window. Can't get to it with the desk in the way - my arms aren't quite that long to reach over and up. I should have taken before and after photos, but didn't think of it until it was too late. Here, however, is an after photo showing the little fortichka.The fortichka (or is that portichka??) was the cleanest of all of them before I washed them. The far left window looked like someone had sprayed it with heavy dust and then raindrops - several times! The cleaning rag is black from all the pollution. The horrible thing is that the worst black was inside, not outside! Gives an idea of what we breath all the time. (this has been true for me no matter where we have lived - here or in the States. It's not a "Ukraine thing".)

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Three days, almost 3 loads of laundry. I've got a load in the washer right now, but it's only partly finished and the water is off. Therefore, I need to wait until the water comes back on so I can finish it. Can only wash one load a day in the winter because I can only dry one load at a time. The old "solar dryer" is not working too well :-) and the drying rack only holds one load. I should be caught up, though, by tomorrow afternoon. That is a wonderful feeling. Still easier to go to the laundromat. haha

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The ravens are flying around like crazy this morning. Seems like my whole year has been dominated by ravens. They roosted in the trees around my parents place a good part of the summer. Very unusual. It's normal to see them here like this. In fact, I associate the sound of cawing ravens with Ukraine now.


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This past year was not a good year in many ways. One of the most stressful I have ever lived through. It had very wonderful highlights, to be sure, but mostly I am very glad that 2010 is over. I really hope 2011 is better. Really, really.

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Someone just came to the door. A couple younger teenagers. Mel asked what they wanted and after several tries, he finally told the young men that he was a foreigner and didn't understand. As he shut and locked the door it finally dawned on him that they wanted to throw rice (or wheat?) on the floor and say poems and then we would give them candy. It's a Christmas tradition here, a very old one as I understand it. Unfortunately, we have no candy to give. And I really don't want to clean grain off the floor for the next week. :-) We may have more kids as the day goes by. Interesting - it's not even noon-thirty and they were here. Usually this is an evening thing. Maybe because it's just not safe any more to do it after dark??

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Speaking of which - the sun is already to the far right of the building and is getting low in the sky. Wow! Daylight goes quickly this time of year.

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Andrew posted on facebook last night that my parent's old dog, Eagle, died. He was 15 and a Chow/German Shepard mix. He had a very long and healthy and good life. Still, it's so sad. Wish I could be there to comfort my mother over the next several days. I think in many ways she is identifying with her old pets. (Mandy is 13, I think, and also a large dog, and is senile.) She talked often about how both Eagle and Mandy were going to die soon and that we needed to treat them carefully and with patience because they were old. After her stroke 18 months ago and then the surgery this past year that wiped her out for several weeks (I think it was reaction to the meds they put her on) - Mom has been very fragile. That, and the family blow-up that happened this summer. I know both she and Dad have had a rough year. Now the older pets are dying.

We had a discussion just a night or two before Mel and I left. Mom and I talked for 2 or 3 hours and death was one of the things we talked about. She and Dad got their wills in order after the blow-up, making sure things were exactly as they want them to be. I don't know all the details, just a few highlights, but I am pleased that they did what they did. Death is never easy to contemplate, but we need to do so. No one lives forever, at least not on this earth!

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Got an email from Kara today, telling me she didn't know how Stirling was taking Eagle dying because he found out just before he left for school. She did say that both Eithnee and Stirling are missing us a lot. Eithnee maybe more than Stirling at this point because I held Eithnee so much, nuzzled her neck, bounced her on my knee, hugged her, fed her and loved her to pieces. Funny - I spent a lot more time with her, but I miss Stirling the most.

Can't go there right now. No - can't go there. Already have tears in my eyes.

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All for now.

A Variety of Thoughts All Day Long

Well, maybe not all day, but starting now at 11:30 am.

It is hot. Part of the reason I couldn't sleep well during the night hours is because it is so hot in our bedroom. Plenty of heat in there. Mel turns on the fan and it blows in his face and on my back. My back is cold, the rest of me is blazing hot. Will have to take off the one blanket and just use the bedspread and sheet again. Maybe just the sheet. Not sure I can open the window/fortichka (little window). The camper was in the mid-50's every night - just right for sleeping. Our bedroom is in the mid-70's. Yuck.

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Most of my plants are dead. All of the fish are dead and my pond and fountain have been stacked in the office room. Sad. Fortunately my cat is not dead. She is sitting on my shoulder right now, causing me to sweat even more. I'd say she loves me, but I have scratches on my hand that say, no, she just wants to be warmer. I am sorry about my plants. I loved my plants. Babied them along for a couple years and ... poof! They are almost all dead or dying. Will baby these along and see if I can save what is left and possibly one will come back that looks dead. I think they were watered with unfiltered water, even tho I requested filtered water. Our water has so many salts and minerals in it that it is undrinkable and coats everything with a layer of white mineral. However, they could have just not been watered at all for awhile. Time will tell.

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I am not sure I will resurrect my fountain and pond. Will have to think about it. Believe it or not, there is an emotional part of this playing into the decision. Sometimes I think - no, I know - I am too emotional, too attached to things. I can easily let things go IF I make the decision to let them go. However, if they are taken away from me one way or the other - well, not so easy. Funny, I am not usually attached to things. I wonder if this attachment came trying to not be so attached and full of pain in leaving my kids and Stirling last time we came back to Ukraine? A substitute of some kind? They were just fish and a little pond after all.

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I think I should rename my blog The Reluctant Missionary. I don't feel like a very good missionary. I came back to Ukraine this time, mentally and emotionally kicking and screaming inside. "Don't wanna go! Don't wanna go! I wanna stay home with my family!!" A lot of soul searching, a lot of counting the cost this time, and I can't say I am very happy with the cost or with myself. I told Nadia, our driver's wife, that this time "I followed my husband" and she knew exactly what I was saying. She asked, I answered, she understood. Women understand things like this.

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I am so tired I feel like I could fall on my face at any moment and just start snoring. Tried to lie down for awhile about 10 a.m. but 2 or 3 cups of coffee somewhere in the wee hours of the morning are keeping me awake now. I need to stay up until at least 9 pm. 9 or 10 hours from now....

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Have a load of laundry in the washer. Told Mel that the laundromat is sure a lot easier and he laughed. It's true. Also easier to hang the clean clothes out to dry at my parents because they will be dry in just a few hours (unless it's raining or snowing of course). Here it could take several days to dry them. Will have to get the drying rack out and put it up in the bedroom beside that oh, too hot radiator. Should get them dry faster. Need to remember to check and make sure the water is actually draining out in the sink and not on the floor and flooding the downstairs neighbor.... ha ha. Have done that way too many times over the years.

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Mel went to the store. Many years ago I read a story about a honeymoon couple. The new husband went to the store to pick up a bottle of wine and never came back, killed somehow, and the new bride had no idea what had happened to him. Sometimes when Mel leaves I get a panicky feeling like something is going to happen to him like that. Ukraine or the States, doesn't matter. I'll be a bit nervous today until he comes back in the door. Weird, I know, but true. Oh! He's back! Yea!

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25 Random Things About Me

(This was on Facebook, but I decided to add it here, too)

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

1 - I was born in a raging dust storm in Colorado. Dust was so thick that my mother or father (don't remember which) wrote my name in the dust on the hospital window sill. The nuns in the Catholic hospital were upset that my parents named me a non-Christian name and wanted them to change 'Cindie' to Cynthia. I am so glad they didn't.

2 - While in high school in Colorado Springs, I read a very large part of the fiction section of the school library. I still remember details from books I read on climbing K2 and Everest. I still prefer fiction. I read a wide variety, sci-fi, mystery, romance, historical fiction, fantasy. You can go so many places and do so many things in a book and never leave home.

3 - My favorite place in the world (so far) is the Navajo Nation. I would love to explore it in depth.

4 - I am afraid of heights yet drawn to canyons. I'm terrified at the Grand Canyon but always want to go there when we are in Arizona. I am also afraid (for lack of a better word) of the Pacific Ocean, yet whenever we are on the west coast, I ask Mel for at least one day when I can sit on the beach, walk in the surf or stand and feel the spray from the violent waves hit my face. Canyons and the Pacific are so immense and I am so small. I love that feeling, even though it scares me.

5 - I can stand for hours at a time at -50 degrees if I can watch the Northern Lights. Ditto watching meteor showers.

6 - I enjoy walking country roads at night, in the dark or in the moonlight. Can't do that where I live now. I like the dark, but I like the light better.

7 - I am a very visual person, love looking at photos and pictures, but am not a big fan of paintings and especially do not like "modern art."

8 - I have a hard time remembering the names of Classical music pieces, but when Mel puts on a movie in the other room, I can usually identify it by name within the first 10 seconds of the soundtrack.

9 - I played the violin for 8 years in schools and disliked it the whole time. Of course I was next to last chair and pretended to play for many of the concerts because I was usually lost. Why did I keep taking the class? I have no idea now. I got sick to my stomach before every performance.

10 - I like to write, but only when the mood is upon me.

11 - I have more than 25 projects started and in various stages of uncompletedness (is that a word?) - knitting, needlepoint, embroidery, sewing, etc. This fact drives my mother crazy, but is normal for me. I would rather work on a project than finish it.

12 - I like learning about handwriting analysis, personality profiles, how to increase your IQ. I'm not very good at Soduko, but I'm trying to get better.

13 - I like taking tests on the internet.

14 - Where I live is more important to me than how I live. I've lived in a one-room cabin in Alaska w/o running water or inside toilet and enjoyed that lifestyle because my surroundings were beautiful. Living in Ukraine has been difficult because my surroundings are not beautiful. The saving grace of Ukraine is living in another culture (culture shock and all). I have had to surround myself here with beautiful photos of natural places, lots of live houseplants and living creatures (fish and cat - the ants in our flat don't count) to keep depression at bay in the winter.

15 - I've been to 38 United States, 3 Canadian provinces and 14 other countries, plus in the airports of 3 more.

16 - I like working with mail. Writing it, reading it, preparing the envelopes, sending it. I worked in and/or supervised a mailroom for 6 years. I have a large collection of postcards, some of which I may actually send to someone someday. I used to collect pretty or unusual stationery.

17 - I read a lot. My husband reads a lot. All 3 of my children read a lot. I am thankful for this fact. I pray that my grandson learns to love to read.

18 - I would love to be on a real Starship Enterprise and explore the universe. Since that is impossible, I explore the universe via internet and reading about it. There is so much we do not know, so much still to learn.

19 - I enjoy watching people and trying to figure out what makes them tick.

20 - I never graduated from college and rarely regret it. I would, however, like to go back and take specific classes. I really enjoyed Anatomy and Physiology in High School but now it would be a toss up between Ancient History, Biology of some sort and Astronomy of some sort. Or maybe Geology, that is very interesting, too. I need to get 4 PhD's, I guess. How do people ever decide that ONE thing is what they want to spend their life in????

21 - My favorite books of the Bible are Isaiah and Ephesians.

22 - I look forward to heaven more and more every year.

23 - I dislike vacuuming because it is so noisy. I love silence - no music, no kids yelling, no dogs barking, no cars/buses going by, just the sound of the wind in the trees and grasses. Vacuuming is jarring to the soul, wind in the trees and grasses is calming.

24 - I enjoy wild weather. Blizzards, thunderstorms (my favorite!), and windstorms, but I do not enjoy hot days. Of course I enjoy wild weather from a safe place. On the other hand, the idea of being a tornado chaser is very appealing to me. I would enjoy doing that a lot.

25 - If I had it to do all over again, I would marry my husband again, without question! I love him dearly. He is the greatest gift God has given me, other than salvation. He keeps me on my toes intellectually and spiritually. I am thankful that all 3 of my children as well as my son-in-law are Born Again Christians. My extended family are almost all Believers. I am very aware that God has been very good to me in this.

Thoughts

Why does snow fall silently?

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I have had a thought in my mind for several days. Just a 'mind picture' that I cannot seem to do anything with at the moment. A single snow flake landing on a baby spruce tree branch. Winter cold, gray day, heavy skies, silent lacey flakes drifting down, silently, oh so silently one by one by thousands. Dried meadow grasses, standing stiff and frozen, coated with hoarfrost. The silence of the forest in winter, broken by the sharp crack of a tree freezing deeper in the icy cold. Silence. Crystal clear air, clean and fresh, cold and dry. The croaking call of a raven to his mate as he flies high above and out of sight. The darkness of the far pines and spruce fading into gray and finally disappearing as the flakes begin to fall faster and thicker.

But it all begins with one flake, drifting down and landing on a baby spruce tree and lodging between two needles.

I can feel it.
Hear it.
Smell it.
Almost taste it.
Live it again.
And again.
Once more.

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