I Did It Again

Whew! I did it again. I accidently flooded our neighbor downstairs while washing clothes in the washer. Just after getting towels and mopping up the water in the kitchen and the hallway, the phone rang. I looked at Mel with what I am sure would be described as "pleading eyes" and he answered it. Yep - it was her.

There are times when I want to crawl under the bed, pull several boxes, suitcases and various and assorted dust bunnies all around me and just hide there until the Second Coming. I might not be there too long if I actually did that because I think Christ is returning very soon. Very soon.

However, that event is most likely not going to get me out of living the next few hours.

Way back when when I was working at the library in Westcliffe, I think it was, I read a kid's book titled, Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, by Judith Viorst and illustrated by Ray Cruz, according to Wikipedia. Let's just say I feel like I'm living "Me and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Three Weeks At Least, Maybe More".

I feel like a failure in everything I've tried to do, never getting it right, never quite measuring up to anyone's standards, including my own, always reaching for the gold ring and always, always, always falling short.

That place under the bed is looking better to me all the time. I understand why some people become hermits - it must be so much easier than trying to live with other people.

Except no matter what, you always have to live with yourself. Can't get rid of Self.

Ever.

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I am very tired.

Much Better

I slept well last night. The first time in several days. Slept until 9:00! Wow - that is almost 1.5 hours longer than I have been sleeping.

And I feel better today. Much, much better.

A little sleep, a lot of prayer from friends and by myself - and I'm feeling better.

What really surprises me is that I came to this understanding after reading the news and some blogs this morning.

The stock market fell almost 280 points yesterday. There were more tornadoes, this time in an area of the US where they happen but are not common, all over the world more animals died under strange circumstances, more volcanoes are threatening to erupt, Fukishima continues to spew out radiation with no end in sight and with no idea when it will actually be 'contained', and violence is breaking out or continuing all over the world (like in Yemen), sometimes in ways and places that are not expected, like on airplanes. Plus, an Islamic cleric is okaying human slavery and praising jihad (again, as usual). And to top it all off, more food is now unsafe to eat, E.coli mystery spreads concern across Europe (to say nothing of all the Genetically Modified Food now in our food supply chain!).

So, there you go - bits and pieces of all the wonderful news today. And yet - I'm feeling myself (a very Russian way of saying that!) much better today.

Thank you, thank you for your prayers. I so needed them.

Now, I need to go get dressed - it is almost noon! And then I need to get a load of wash in the washer and then get the chicken ready for the oven. We have company coming over for dinner tonight. Probably should clean up the livingroom, too - they will need a place to sit down and eat. haha!

Cheyenne thinks this is a good place to sleep!

FO and Complaining

This is my latest Finished Object. It went really fast once I decided what I was actually going to do with the warp. The finished project is not anything at all what I had planned to end up with since I started out with a completely different design in mind. Such is my life sometimes.

I worked toward the original plan in several different ways. All of them ended up being unwoven (the nice thing about using acrylic yarn and weaving very loosely is that it comes apart very quickly with out felting together at all).

The scarf is actually darker and more purple-y than it shows in the photos, at least on my computer. The Danish Medallions - a last minute total design change - are actually woven with lavendar yarn, but kind of look more whitish in some of the photos. Next time, if there is a next time, I will weave them with double strands of yarn to accent them more, and I may try to start them in the middle of the scarf, weave them toward the edges and back and then tie a bow - or something. Little pom-pom? I'm not sure. I don't like the way they look here.

I do like the main scarf, altho the edges need some work. The colors are really pretty in real life. It ended up being a lot shorter than the Bamboo Scarf, even though I warped the loom with the same length warp threads. I don't know why. I haven't figured out what makes the difference yet - pattern, looseness or tightness of the weave, change in air pressure, what?

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Emotionally, I'm at a breaking point right now. Maybe because I have not been writing? Processing my thoughts in print rather than holding them in and/or verbalizing them? I do a lot better when I write. Whatever. I feel like a basket case right now.

Frustrated with myself. Angry with myself over several things. Sad. Feeling like just giving up on everything. Now.

I wanted to go to Last Bell at the orphanage this year, to say goodbye to the kids who were graduating in my Sunday school class. And I forgot all about it. Until Mel looked out the window and said, "There goes a little girl with a white puffy thing on her head. Must be all dressed up for Last Bell." Or something along those lines (little girl, white puffy thing on head). There was no way, at that point, that I was going to be able to get to the orphanage in less than 5 minutes.

Beat my self up mentally, royally, for the next several days. Anger at myself. Plain and simple. Dispair because I seem to fail so often at simple things - like making it to Last Bell on time, once a year - forgetting it was actually going to happen.

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My eye is not doing well. I can barely see out of it at all now. Well, I can see colors and large shapes, and they are perfect in shade and probably size - but how far away is the item/person/animal? And what are the details - like does the person/animal actually have a face - or just a blurry pink blob with brown/black/white blob on top (human) or, well, I can't even see that much of animals, so ... If Cheyenne is laying in my loom, while I'm tying the ends of the scarf on the table in front of her, I can close my left eye, look at her beautiful white blob of fur and tell she has pinkish bumps on top of what I think is her head, so that would make them ears, and if she opens her eyes, I can see that she has yellow and black dots under those pinkish bumps so I figure that's her eyes, and of course there is the pink dot in the center below the yellow and black dots, so that must be her nose - but that's about it.

And it makes me so angry! So angry that I went through the cataract surgery and could see so well, tho definitely not 100% due to the tear/scar in the macula, but I could SEE again and now I can't!!!

So, Mel asks me if I've looked it up on the internet and I say no (because I'm too scared and too angry and too full of self-pity) and he tells me I should because maybe this is "normal" or can be fixed or something.

So I do. I look it up and voila! It may be a simple thing that can be fixed with laser surgery and is common. And I feel better immediately. And I feel angry at myself for being so stupid and putting myself through the pain of fear of the unknown. And I won't have some Ukrainian "doctor" doing laser surgery on my eye, so what to do? What to do? (Throws mental hands up in the air in frustration and self-pity rears it's ugly head and self preservation tries deperately to push it back down, stomp on it, kill it before it takes over my whole life.)

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We came back to Ukraine and my fish were all dead, the pond stuck back in the back room. A few weeks after returning I accidently broke the fountain - which caused me a great deal of self-recrimination because I really did like that fountain a lot. The color of the blue glass was beautiful, the sound of the fountain running was soothing - I liked that fountain a LOT. And I broke it doing something stupid.

I kind of expected the fish to be dead because we'd been gone so long and I knew no one was hear for days at a time.

What I did not expect at all - and maybe I should have - is that most of my plants would be dead.

This has caused me no end of anger, grief, self-pity, frustration in a number of areas and just plain "I give up, I'm never going to have plants again, no one ever brings me flowers, no one cares about what I like, no one likes me, I don't like me, I'm going to throw out all of my plants/pots/vases because why bother they are just going to die/break anyway" and on and on until I'm sick of myself.

Now these thoughts don't go through my mind all the time. No, usually only when I'm already feeling down for some other reason. Or when I water what's left of my plants. Or when I finally decided to put away all the pots that just have dead dirt and sticks in them now. But let's face it - I'm angry that my plants died. Angry. I make a home here in Ukraine - and the things I do to make it my home die from neglect. Even my cat is different now.

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I rail/rale (how is that spelled??) against God: "You take everything away from me!!! My grandkids, my kids, my parents, my fish, my plants, other things in my life that are important to me, being able to teach kids in a language I can actually speak, mountains, my country, my eyesight, my knees (and on and on ad nauseum). It's YOUR FAULT, God!" I kick against the goad. I shake my fist, stamp my mental foot and feel oh, so sorry for poor me.

I'm disgusted with my self, actually.

I am so glad God is patient. And I'm so glad He forgives. And I'm so glad that I really do, deep in my heart, believe that He loves me. And somehow, I really do believe, somehow, someway, this is all "good" for me. I don't get it. I'm still mad about a lot of it. I still want to throw all my pots off the balcony in a fit of temper (which I guess is better than wanting to throw Cheyenne off the balcony, or throw the pots at Mel for some unknown reason). I just wish it was different. I want my life to be easier. If I'm going to live in Ukraine - why can't I have plants? Other people do. Why can't I have fish and a pond? Other people do. Why can't I see better?

Oh, I am so tired. So very, very tired.

I would want to go home - but I have no home to go home to. Home is here. Home is where Mel is. Home is exactly the place where I'm supposed to be right now and I am there.

I guess I'll go empty the washer and hang out the clothes on the balcony to dry. That's the next thing. And then - maybe I'll try and find another scarf pattern to work on later tonight.

We'll see.

Bits n Pieces

As I posted on facebook earlier this evening: "while washing dishes a bit ago, I was thinking about the lack of leeks and celery at the supermarket over the past 2 or 3 weeks, and then it dawned on me: where do they most likely come from? Imported from ... Egypt? Turkey? And what is going on there??? Duh. I wonder if we'll get them here again this year? Maybe from Israel?"

I miss them a lot. I grew accustomed to going to the supermarket and finding them there. I felt more than a bit down after going out to "the big Oskar" today and not finding any special veggies. They usually have a better selection there than at our closer Oskar - but not today. Not good. Not good at all. This bothers me, somewhere deep inside.

Maybe because of this second facebook comment I posted just before starting this blog post: "Why do I feel so cynical over the news about Osama bin Laden? Maybe because I think this may be the end of the beginning, not the end of the end that everyone thinks it is?"

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Hmmm - got a little carried away up there with the ~*~*~'s. :-)

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My meloncholy feelings this afternoon/evening may be partially due to the fact that as long as there is unrest in the Middle East, then we will probably never get leeks here again.

Somehow I feel like I belong in the book of Exodus, complaining at Moses.

At least we still have our garlic and onions!!!

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After we got home from the supermarket, I watched a Hal Lindsay program from yesterday. Very interesting stuff. Wonder how much of it is true.

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I found out yesterday that the church picnic will be held over across the Dniper River with 3 other churches joining us next Monday.

And that a couple hired buses will pick us up at the church and take us to the picnic area. And that it will be out in "the forest" (which is wonderful) and will last 7.5 hours (which sounds like purgatory to me), and that there are no tables, or chairs (yikes! gotta bring your own) and no toilets - you go find a bush (ok, change that from purgatory, to hell).

I do not think I'm going. No - I am definitely not going. Sorry Charlie, etc. etc.

I can handle the forest. I can handle the lack of tables and chairs. I can even handle the lack of toilet and using the area behind a bush if needed. What I cannot handle is SEVEN AND ONE HALF HOURS of this. In the sun (yes, it's a "forest" - a man-made forest with the trees neatly spaced so many meters apart). With mosquitoes. And flies. And lots of people. The bus will drop us off and then 7 1/2 hours later, return to pick us back up.

Picnics in forests should abide by certain rules: lots and lots of shade, cool breezes, a minimum of bugs and no more the 6-10 people, preferably family members that you love to be around, and also preferably - a beautiful view to look at (lake, stream, mountain, valley, sequoias, Grand Canyon, something along these lines).

Oh - and hot dogs and roasted marshmallows and s'mores. Not hunks of meat stuck on a wire and partially cooked.

Ei yi yi.

I feel like a grouchy old lady.
I feel like a grouchy old lady with arthritis.
I feel like a grouch old lady with arthritis and bad breath.

That's what I feel like right now. :P

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So, the "tennis shoes in a dryer" are at it again, boomba, boomba boomba - electric drum machine. Tear my hair out. I hope it's not going to be like this all summer....... I think they live next door to my office room. It's not so horrible in the livingroom as it is in here.

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There is something going on in Chihauhau, Mexico. Well, actually under Chihauhau, Mexico. I wonder what it is? Four (count them - 4) earthquakes in the past week. In a place that has never had a recorded earthquake.

Plus there was a 2.5 in Minnesota this past week. Minnesota?? Weird.
Magnitude 2.5
Date-Time Friday, April 29, 2011 at 07:20:13 UTC
Friday, April 29, 2011 at 02:20:13 AM at epicenter
Time of Earthquake in other Time Zones

Location 45.884°N, 95.465°W
Depth 5 km (3.1 miles) set by location program
Region MINNESOTA
Distances 64 km (39 miles) SE of Fergus Falls, Minnesota
90 km (55 miles) NNW of Willmar, Minnesota
97 km (60 miles) ESE of Wahpeton, North Dakota
205 km (127 miles) WNW of ST. PAUL, Minnesota

Location Uncertainty horizontal +/- 15 km (9.3 miles); depth fixed by location program
Parameters NST= 6, Nph= 6, Dmin=220.7 km, Rmss=1.17 sec, Gp=151°,
M-type="Nuttli" surface wave magnitude (mbLg), Version=1
Source USGS NEIC (WDCS-D)

Event ID us2011kha1

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Yes, I'm feeling down tonight. Beautiful day, though - warm enough to be really hot while waiting in the check-out line at Oskar, but cooler breezes on the street. Beautiful sunshine, green leaves and blue sky. And the lilacs are blooming. Had to charge the battery on my camera or I'd post a photo of some today. Why I'm feeling blah, I don't know for sure. Lots of little things. But lots more little things to feel good over - so I don't know.

Guess I should go read or work on my weaving. I almost wrote "and/or work on my weaving" but I'm not sure I can read and weave at the same time.....

Getting It Finished

I still have a few Christmas cards to get ready to mail. Therefore the printer is on the diningroom table. I am at a loss tonight on what to do. There is so much to do that I can't think of anything to do. With the printer on the table, I can't weave. I don't have the "want to" to print off the letters I need to print off so I can get the last few cards finished.

Ok, ok. I'll go do it! Then I can let the printer be put away and then I can weave if I want to, or read a book, or try and cross stitch (am I going to get this baby blanket done????? Yikes!). Or maybe I'll just sit here and twiddle my thumbs.

Sigh.

I do know that I am sick of football. There is a football game on every single night. Old games, newer games, professional games, college games, I am sick of football games. Bleeech.

:-)

***Update***
OK, I felt so guilty that after writing this post, I got everything out and finished all of the cards/letters except for one that I had to write to someone to get the address. Hopefully my MIL will have it to me by tomorrow night. :) Ta da!

Complaining

I'm complaining tonight. It has been a crappy couple of days. First, the water went off on Tuesday. I mentioned that before, I know. And then it is cold in our flat. I mentioned that before, I know. And then my computer died this morning. I have not mentioned that before.

Crappy.

Sigh.

So, I'm using Mel's computer, which is quite old and has a bad habit of just turning off in the middle of whatever he/I is/am doing.

The good news is that the water truck came today and Mel filled up two 6 liter bottles of water. Big sign on the truck: Boil water for 10 minutes!!!! We will use if for flushing only.

Better news is that the water came back on tonight around 8 pm. Hopefully they have fixed whatever the problem is.

You don't realize how much you use water until you have none. We were out of pots and pans tonight - tomorrow would have been a sandwiches only day, or a day to eat out on the town. Thankfully, we can now wash the dishes...which Mel is doing for me as I write this (I love that guy!), after we had quick showers first. There are priorities, after all!!

The not good news is that Ira told me today on the phone why it is so cold in our flat. Down to 60 degrees this morning in the office room.

Why? you ask. Because our building went 'private' and we no longer have ZhEK, which means there is a boiler in the basement somewhere that heats the water for the radiators and no one wants to pay the gas bill to heat the water hot enough to make it actually warm in our apartment/stairwell/building. Grrrrr.

Our landlord raised the rent $50 per month just to pay the extra cost for gas, starting in October. We have no benefit from it at all - in fact, just the opposite! Our flat used to be so warm I would wear shorts inside during the winter. Too warm. Now I sit here with a frozen nose, hands and feet. I am not used to being cold and I don't like it in the least little bit.

Grrrrr.

The other good news is that Ira will come tomorrow morning and help us take my computer to a repair place. The bad news is we have no idea if it is fixable, no clue what is wrong with it. I would say I'm crossing my fingers - but hey, I don't believe in luck and the arthritis in my fingers would make that extremely painful right now.

Instead, I am praying.

So, here I sit, complaining and praying.

Wow.

What an Old Testament Israelite I am.

I am supposed to be learning something from this. I am supposed to be sharing in the sufferings of the people around me. But, I am uncomfortable, I am inconvenienced (good grief - I have semi-access to a computer, I'm writing right now, aren't I?), I am complaining.

Shame on me.

However - I am REALLY REALLY glad I could take a shower finally..... and so is Mel.

hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

I just really, really want my computer back. I'll stop complaining about the lack of heat. I'll try to anyway.