Grandkids and Great-Grandparents!

Oh how I miss my kids and my grandkids! Kara sent photos (I think it was Kara, could have been our son-in-law, John!) yesterday. We haven't seen a good photo of Eithnee since the one from Moab in May. At her age, babies change a lot in that amount of time!! I'm so glad they sent these two. I could gladly receive another 2 dozen!

I think they are at the top of Independence Pass in the above photo. An international bike race was going on in Colorado last week and they were quite interested in it. I really like the way Stirling looks in this photo, too. So cheerful, so happy, so ornery! Who would ever think he's such a wild handful at times?? ha ha!

Unfortunately, Eithnee looks in both photos like she's grumpy and needs a nap. But that's ok. At least I can see her little face. And her hair!! She, like her mama before her, looked bald, totally bald for the first year+ of her life. And now, when the photo first downloaded and was HUGE on our screen, her hair is so pale it almost looked clear.

My mother was a platinum blonde until she was in her late 20's or early 30's. I remember her being blonde when I was young (I remember her turning 30 - after all, I was 13!!). But now her hair is almost the same color mine is - it has become darker over the years, not gray. And today is her 75th birthday! Very little gray hair - yes she has it, but it shows as her hair getting a bit lighter again, not as graying.

Happy 75th birthday, Mom!! Love you!!

Oh so many things to write about! That's what happens when you don't blog for awhile. Where, oh where, should I start. Hmmm?

Mel and I celebrated our 35th anniversary on June 26. Thirty-five years! Where has time gone? Didn't we just get married a few years ago? Aren't our kids still youngun's? Nope. And nope. Amazing.

So, what did we do? It was a Sunday. We stayed home from church (naughty us) and never got dressed the whole day. We lounged around in what we wear at home when no one's looking :) :), watched a couple movies, read some, I cross-stitched, Mel studied, we talked some and just relaxed. It was wonderful. Absolutely wonderful.

Our celebration of things like this has really changed. We take our time celebrating. Ha ha! Sometime during the next week we went out for dinner together, just we two. And another time during the week we went out for a walk in the park and had an Italian Gelato, sat on a bench

and just people watched for a very long time (note: this is a G rated blog, so I did not take photos of the R rated clothing that walked by),

commenting to each other about this and that,

but mostly in silence - until Vyechislav showed up.

Good, old Vyechislav. Sigh. He's retired from teaching English at a local institute, has attended our Bible studies and English classes from day one (started when CoMission was here), has attended church from day one and the delight of his whole life, I think, is to bug me. :) Actually, he claims to just want to encourage discussion but I have often thought that he is a dart from Satan. I could go on and on but will not do so at this time. Let's just say that our lazy afternoon was interupted by a half hour discussion based on the doctrines and arguements of the JW's. Finally he decided it was time to leave, picked up his briefcase and sauntered off. Mel and I just looked at each other and kind of smiled.

A few minutes later we stood up, walked over to the bus stop and took a marshrutka to the 'big bus stop' closest to our flat and walked home from there.

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June 22 was our eldest son's birthday. Peter is now 33 years old.

Photo taken Nov 7, 2010 when we were home last year

Photo taken at Disneyland the end of December 2010.

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Why was Peter at Disneyland at the end of December 2010, you might ask? Well, I'll tell you!

He went out to spend some time with this young lady, Rebekah, who goes by the name of Skarlet on the internet. They've been corresponding now for several months, maybe even a year or two - must be more than a year since we knew about her while we were in the States last year... (time does fly and my mind is getting older now, you know!)

Peter was, and still is, totally smitten. I am under the impression that Skarlet is, too, since they announced on facebook that they are now engaged. Please note that we have not yet received confirmation of this via email or phone calls or even handwritten letters. We apparently live in a totally new world where announcements like this are made on facebook instead of in the local newspapers, and mom and dad had better read facebook, too, or they may be late for the wedding!

(Skarlet's blog photo) Peter went back out to California before his birthday and met Skarlet's family and, we are assuming, asked her to marry him. That is ALL the details we know. ALL. No date, no idea of plans, nothing.

Poor us!

hahahahaha! Actually, in some ways this does not surprise me at all, seeing that on the Myers-Briggs personality test I am a very high P and like to leave my options open until I must make a decision or choice. Maybe that is why I have not written to Peter yet, mama demanding all the details, right now, immediately, in my in-box. :) :)

I do need some sort of idea, however - hint, hint you two!!! Because I need to know what kind of things Skarlet likes. I do make things like the blanket for Ira, and although I know Disneyland is high on the list, I can't imagine making (or buying) a Sleeping Beauty, Goofy, Donald Duck or Mickey Mouse something or other for a newly married couple. For my grandchild, yes, but not for a wedding/newly married couple (whenever that is scheduled to happen!). So - I'm waiting, Peter and Skarlet. Waiting, waiting, waiting!

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There is more to write, but for now, I think this post is long enough. That, and the fact that I really need to go eat some lunch before it's time to leave for prayer meeting.

"Being Home"

Talked with my grandson and daughter last night on skype. Unfortunately, my granddaughter was very tired, cranky and weepy and ended up taking a nap just minutes after I started talking to my grandson. So, didn't get a nice photo of her, or even really "talk" to her.

It was good to see them, hear their voices, hear about adventures last weekend. They went to Mesa Verde National Park, the Four Corners and had various adventures along the way. A woman in a store somewhere asked if she could buy this sword for my grandson. Papa said yes, so she bought it, gave it to him, and left. Hmmm. Interesting. He loves it. Obviously. First thing he showed me!

How I miss them! Thanking God for skype this morning.

3 Photos of Me

14th birthday:
10/21/72, 18 years old, my best friend's wedding (Karen Hyatt):
Not sure of the date, in the early 1980's:

This Thursday Evening

Almost every Thursday night since we returned to Kherson in January, a couple of women have been coming over for conversation and dinner. It started out as talking about Sunday School and what we are going to do, but has evolved into a real time of fellowship. Yes, we still talk about Sunday School, but one of the women, Lyena, has about a zillion questions for Mel. Valentina is our translator, but she joins in on asking questions and even making comments in reply to questions. I greatly enjoy this time of more one on one.

Tonight while we were talking after the meal (homemade chicken noodle soup, blueberry muffins and cheese stuffed celery sticks), I got a skype call. Since no one calls me but my daughter (and grandkids!), I immediately came in here and answered. While I was talking to Stirling, saying hi, I unplugged the computer, grabbed the external modem and hauled the whole shebang out into the livingroom so Lyena and Valentina could "meet" our grandkids.

Imagine my shock, when the pictures came into better focus and I realized that not only did Stirling have less hair than the last time I saw him on skype, he only had less hair on the sides. The top was still just as long as ever.

My darling grandson decided to cut his own hair and gave himself the beginning of a MOHAWK haircut! I guess either mama or papa finished it. I'll try and get a photo later to add to this post. Oh my.

Valentina and Lyena did say hello, waved and spoke to him in Russian and English. Also to Eithnee, who had to be part of the conversation, too, of course! But I think Valentina was more than a little bit scandalized by the haircut. :-) :-) She asked what the school was going to say and do about it and when I said, "nothing" she was very surprised. I assured her that if the school did complain, he'd just get his head totally shaved.

Oh my. My grandson, at age 6.5 years old, has a mohawk. What will he have at 16.5??

Gotta Love Skype

Saturday night I was working on Sunday School stuff when suddenly I got a Skype call. I answered it and there were Kara, Stirling and Eithnee.

Kara settled Stirling down in the chair, plopped Eithnee on his lap and disappeared. I talked with Stirling, waved at Eithnee (she waved back and jabbered at me) and Stirling talked up a storm about all sorts of things. It was great. Eithnee started to slip out of Stirlings hold, so Kara came and put her down on the floor and disappeared again. Stirling and I continued "talking" - he doing whatever he was doing, me cutting out stuff for Sunday School. Soon he decided to put on his Iron Man costume and show me all the cool gadgets he now has. I asked him where Eithnee was and he said she was playing on the floor "over there". I could still hear her jabbering away. Suddenly he called out, "Mom, where are you? Are you washing dishes in the kitchen?" I heard her answer, "Yes." "Come help me put on my Iron Man suit so I can show it to Grandma!"

And I realized - - -

I was babysitting the kids while she was busy doing something else. I was keeping them out of her hair so she could get something done. I was babysitting from half-way around the world.

I love it.

Pain

Facebook, comments on one of my photos:
Julie wrote:
"yep, looks like your home...beautiful..."

Wayne wrote:
"Now Now"


Those two quotes mean nothing to anyone other than me, my son who responded earlier, and my sister who also responded earlier than Julie. After the family blow-up this last summer, the first one was intended as, and came as, a direct dart from Satan. A dart to accuse falsely, to wound, to discourage, to anger - a word straight from the pit of hell. It may read as nice, but I hear and understand the venom on the tip of the arrow. Poisonous. Evil.

I responded simply: John 14:1-3
No words, nothing more.
(“Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.)

I have no home here on earth. The closest place that comes to "home" is where my parents are, where my children are: Colorado, specifically Teller and El Paso Counties. That is a pretty large area to call "home". There is no house, to mobile home, no tent, no camper that I can say of, "This is my home." The flat we live in here in Kherson is the place I have lived the longest since I left home at 18 years of age. Yet, when we pay the rent tomorrow, we will be telling the landlord and landlady that we want to live in their home for another 6 months. When we leave Ukraine, we have no idea where we will eventually end up. Colorado? Washington state? Arizona? some place totally off our radar screen at this time? We don't know.

I live very light now. Most of the things I would want to keep 'forever' could be boxed up in a couple boxes and shipped at a moments notice. The rest is just convenience stuff. And if those couple of boxes were lost - so be it. I have to hold things in an open palm, not a tightly clenched fist. My security is not in people or things, my security - MY HOME is in Christ Jesus.

I thank God every day for my husband. I would be so lost without him. I cannot imagine life without him. Yet he, too, I must hold in an open palm. He is not mine, he is the Lord's. And I have to trust God for that - all of it.

So, the pain is there this morning once again. It hurts to know that my own flesh and blood can resent me, hate me? so very much. Yet, in the long run, she is the one being destroyed by bitterness, anger and hate.

Father God in heaven, pour your soothing oil over the pain. Help me to keep my eyes focused on You and You alone. Help me to remember my Elder Brother - if they hated Him, they will hate us. I am yours, Father, and no one and no thing can pluck me out of your hand.

Luke 12:24 Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds!

I Love Skype

Kara and I talked on Skype last night. She rang me and when I answered, she said, "Someone here wants to talk with you." She put on her video and I put on mine. Eithnee started jabbering away and waving at the computer (me).

Then Kara told me that every time she sits down to work on the computer - doing bills, reading, surfing the net, or getting on Skype - Eithnee crawls over, demands to be picked up and then starts waving at the computer, saying "Hi! Hi!" over and over again. :-) :-) I miss my little Whirly Girly!

Morning Bits 'n Pieces

Good morning, world!

Ok, it's 11:00am - I just felt like saying that right now.

I braved the kalunka this morning and took a very short shower without Mel in the flat to protect me should the water pressure drop or the kalunka decide to explode. I feel so brave! And clean. Ha! I do not like taking showers when Mel is gone.

Have I mentioned here that Mel is gone? I'm not sure. He's in L'viv right now but will be back sometime tomorrow. City Team Leaders meeting. He left Sunday afternoon.

It was 75 degrees in the bedroom this morning when I woke up. Yuck. I had the fan going all night, as usual. I can't believe people like sleeping in their own sweat. One night it's 65 in there because it's almost zero outside. A couple nights later it's 75. How many blankets should there be on our bed? I have one right now, but mostly it was kicked off last night. Cheyenne loves the heat. She is not real happy that I have the bedroom fortichka open as well as the balcony door right now. It's 75 here at the computer, in the mid-40's outside. Of course, everyone is bundled up like it's -25 out on the street. I only have my heavy winter coat here right now, so when I go out I'm going to be drenched in sweat again. Hmmm - maybe I do have a windbreaker over there somewhere. Will have to dig around and see if I can find it.

Stream of conscience writing this morning.

Listening to Keith and Krystin Getty Awaken the Dawn again.

Am in the mood to embroider today, so I think the blanket will be on the menu for this afternoon or evening.

Last night I talked with Kara, John and Eithnee (yes, Eithnee and I had a conversation - I talked and she made interesting sounds and stared at the computer screen and waved at me off and on). Mel and I bought her a little pink horse to rock on before we left for her birthday (that is not an easy sentence to understand, I'm sure. haha) Kara said she loves it. When she opened it she wouldn't let anyone get it out of the box, started yelling and crying until she had it back. Last night she'd just tumbled off it again before they came on-line. Good thing it's not very big and the floor is carpeted. :-) She played with her mylar balloon about half the time we talked. In fact, it really sounded like she said "balloon" when John gave it to her. She's not saying a whole lot yet, and she's not walking yet, which is probably a good thing at this point. Well, I say she's not saying a whole lot, but that's not true. She talks all the time! She just doesn't say words.

Kara said that Stirling was thrilled about her birthday - wanted to decorate everything and buy her lots of presents. I'm so glad to hear that. I was quite concerned about jealousy issues since his birthday is not for several more months. However, he really does love his baby sister and tries to take good care of her. Oh, there are times, for sure, when the sibling rivalry shines forth in all it's ugliness, but most of the time he really is careful of her and for her. This is very good.

The arthritis in my thumbs is really acting up the past couple of days. Mom gave me some emu oil creame that has MSM and glucosomine in it and it works very well. I also take a new pain pill for the arthritis I have all over my body. For some reason it is only mildly effective on my thumbs. The emu oil creame helps a lot. Just one more thing that makes me long for my new body and heaven.

Ok, all for now. Off to the store to buy my poor starving cat some cat food (or so she thinks - she still has a few crumbs in her bowl, but she is insisting that I put more food in it. The big pieces. Not those little crumbs. sheesh. What a demanding cat.) I do not like shopping while Mel is gone. Actually, I do not like Mel being gone at all. :) But shopping - that means I have to carry everything home by myself. I'm such a wimp.

Oh! Oh! I'd better hurry! The SUN IS SHINING!!!!!. I don't want to miss it!! I can even see some blue sky out there right now. Wow!!!!!!!!!

Happy Birthday Eithnee Rose!

Today (the 6th - this is going to read the 7th since it's after midnight as I write) - today is Eithnee's first birthday. Happy birthday! my little Whirly Girly. Oh how I miss you! I miss you and your whole family more than I could ever write here. I love you, sweetie.






It is very late, as I mentioned. Mel is gone, on the train from Odessa to L'viv, for a city team leaders meeting and won't be back until sometime on Wednesday. I was supposed to be on skype with Kara and everyone at John's parents' place, watching while they celebrate Eithnee's birthday. I don't know why, but they have not come up on skype yet and it's only getting later. The celebration may already be over. Tradition is the 1 year old gets a little cake all to his or her self and can do with it whatever they like. It's always fun and funny.

I would say I'm very tired, and that is true - physically I am very tired tonight. But mostly I want to cry, but there are no tears burning. Only a deep sense of loneliness that my cat just can't fill. So, I'm listening to Keith and Kirstin Getty's Awaken the Dawn album.
That helps.
A little.
How thankful I am that I am not really alone, but my Father is watching over me, caring for me, and comforting me.
"I rest in You alone."

Monday

Busy day today. Did some laundry, did some cleaning, did some studying, did some cooking, did some rearranging, did some reading, did a bunch of work on the computer with photos for a church in the States, talked with my daughter, son-in-law and 2 grandkids for over an hour on skype late tonight. Yes, it was a fairly busy day. Didn't do any embroidery or weaving, though.

I thought it was interesting that after writing about Lord of the Rings last night, at the very end of my post, while talking to my kids tonight they told me they watched the first two movies of the trilogy last night. Apparently my grandson was quite fascinated with Golum. :-) Why does this not surprise me? haha!

The sun actually shone for awhile today. I can't believe how much of a difference that makes for me! It was wonderful, that weak, watery sunshine coming through the window and splashing across the livingroom floor. Very nice. Which reminds me, I really need to wash the balcony windows!! As soon as it's not freezing again.I was surprised when I hung those jeans out to find that what was already out there had frozen spots at the clothespins (and no, I still have not found my box of clothespins - those out there have been out there for over a year!).

I am enjoying the class I'm taking via DVD on Intro to Geology, put out by The Teaching Company. The prof is really funny to me, in a dry humor sort of way, in a good old home boy kind of way, in a typical American kind of way. He makes me laugh just the way he phrases things. I've also noticed that it helps me think about other things, which is good. I've gone back and looked at a few of the photos from places we've been and just looked at some of the geology. And we haven't even gotten much past describing what plate techtonics and minerals are yet.

When I grow up I want to be a geologist. That's after I'm a space explorer astronomer first. And expert weaver artist. And a storm chaser, too. (Maybe I'll get the course on Weather next - we gave that to Andrew for Christmas and he says it's really good, he's learning a lot while watching it. That's very nice to hear!)

There are so many things I want to do! :-) So much I want to know. So much I want to see. I'm so thankful that in my day and age there are things like this course that I can take for a reasonable price in the comfort of my own home, at my own pace.

Life may not always be really happy, but it is seldom dull. That is good.

Forgetting

One of the things I have learned since last February is that some people never forget. And they are willing to bring whatever it is up and slap you in the face with it at the oddest times.

What is amazing to me is that my siblings remember things about me that I am sure are not correct. I think situations have been exagerated over the years, emotions made sharper, things not understood correctly because they were seen through the eyes of small or young children. My childhood is long gone. It happened a lifetime ago. I have no desire to go back and revisit it time after time after time. I had a wonderful childhood. Not perfect by any means, but wonderful none-the-less. As the oldest I ended up needing to watch over my siblings after school when my mother went to work full time. Apparently I was hell on earth to them, at least the 3 next after me. My youngest sister doesn't remember me that way, but she was only in first or second grade then, maybe 3rd? See, I don't remember the specifics unless I sit down and do the math (so and so was such and such an age in this year, blah blah blah). But, oh, they do remember - or think they do! I have no idea what I did - I'm sure that whips and belts and hot irons and other forms of torture were not involved, altho I do remember yelling a lot so they would clean up their mess before mom got home. I usually had my nose in a book, or later, was talking to my boyfriend on the phone while they tore the house up. My job was to make sure it was clean when mom got home and to cook dinner every night. I enjoyed cooking dinner (I wonder if they remember that I was the one who actually made food so they didn't "starve"??). I did not enjoy cajoling them into putting toys away, cushions back on the couch and cleaning up whatever mess they had made. I sure didn't want to clean up after them!!

This summer I learned that 40+ years later the 3 middle ones still resent (and two I think actually hate) me. I've wondered for years and years why whenever family slides came out at holidays why all of the snide remarks about me were made. Mel even commented on it to me once. As is my usual response when something I don't understand, but has the potential of hurting me emotionally, happens, I would try to gloss over it, laugh about it, or ignore it. Well, this summer the s**t hit the fan, so to speak - two of the middle siblings went after my own kids in a very vicious way, along with going after my parents for mostly unknown reasons. I have theories about those siblings' mental health and spiritual conditions, but that is just it - theories.

To make a sick and sad story very, very short - I hope I never see or talk to those two siblings again as long as I live. Never. Never! The third one - well, let's just say that trust issues may never be resolved between us. I do not trust that sibling now, not even a little bit.

My heart weeps over this. I have not been able to write about it because it hurts so badly. I've never been close to those three, for obvious reasons (see second paragraph) and now, well, I hope they drop off the edge of the earth and never come back.

I am sure that this is part of the reason it has been so hard for me to come back to Ukraine this time. I am still dealing with anger issues. I am still dealing with hurts, deep and very painful hurts. I am still fearful that the two may try to emotionally attack my kids or parents again, even though my parents actually got advice on what to do if it happens again from a lawyer who specializes in Elder Law.

Just recently I was reminded of something else that I did that another person has not forgotten. It happened 5 or 6 years ago and I haven't thought about it once - not once - since the initial happening and apologizing and groveling for forgiveness. Not once has it crossed my mind. When it was thrown in my face again during a conversation, I couldn't even remember what the person was talking about for several seconds. It's like I had to dig through layers and layers to uncover what this person was talking about. I'd filed it in the "ooops, that was a big mistake, don't ever do it again, now don't dwell on it and make yourself miserable, forget it" file in my brain. Since that conversation, however, it's been rattling around in my brain, accusing me and making me feel like so much mud on the bottom of someone's shoe again.

Sigh.

Sometimes I LONG for heaven with a longing that is akin to the need to breathe. I know God has forgiven my sin, washed it away through the blood of Jesus Christ, that it is removed from me as far as the East is from the West, that He will remember it no more. People here on earth, tho, seem to love to keep notebooks full of all the wrongs and hurts they have received. They dwell on them, grow them into unrecognizable blobs and then blast them out again sometime in the future.

My personality type tends to live in the "here and now" and apparently forgets more easliy than other types. Not perfectly by any means. Not immediately by any means. Sometimes in the middle of the night I will remember something someone did, or something that I did, and I will burn with shame or embarrassment. But I always tell myself - "LET IT GO! Forget it! Put it out of your mind!" If it was sin on my part, I remind myself that God has forgiven me (and I'd asked for forgiveness from the other person if needed, and had received it). If it was sin on another persons part, I remind myself that God must deal with them. But whichever it is - I let it go. Otherwise - I would be destroyed emotionally and probably physically because things like that do effect our physical bodies.

Knowing that last sentence is true, very true, I know that somehow I need to come to the point where I can forgive my siblings. Oh! The anger is still there! I don't want to forgive them! I want them to suffer! I want them to suffer 100% more than I have, than my kids have, than my parents have. I want them to grovel in agony on the ground. That's what I want. Instead, it is me who is being hurt all over again.

So - let it go. Forgive (so hard to write that word - it does not want to come out of my fingertips!) and forget.

No - this is not something that can be forgotten. It must be remembered - I just have to take the fangs out of the memory.

Dear God - I cannot do this "on my own." Only by Your power, only by Your Holy Spirit living and working through me can it happen. Help me!! I don't want to forgive them!

Wow. I just realized that I am living The Lord of the Rings and could easily become just like my Golum siblings!!! Ei yi yi! I have to let that Ring go. Now. Forever.

Merry Christmas!

Today was Christmas Day here in Ukraine, and in other parts of the Eastern Orthodox world. We went to church this morning and had a very nice service. Then this evening we went over to our team mates home and had dinner together. It was great to have everyone together again for the first time in over a year!

However, since church this morning it has felt like Sunday to all of us. :-) It does NOT feel like a Friday at all.

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I'm trying to stay up later tonight and maybe I'll make it to 11 pm since it's already 10:45. I went to bed last night around 9 and woke up at midnight and was awake until around 4a.m. Sigh. I am exhausted. I'm hoping for a good night's sleep tonight. Along with being tired I feel depression seeping in through the cracks. Thank God - literally - Thank God that the past 2 days we've had quite a bit of sunshine because it does help to keep depression at bay.

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I need to spend a long time in the Word tomorrow. I feel parched.

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I brought some Christmas lights from the States, LED flowers on a battery powered string about 3 feet long. I really like the way the colors change and they are so bright. Think I'll go in, lie down and watch them for awhile and try to pray. I so do not want to get depressed and I love colors and I love Christmas lights. I can handle feeling sad, and I think that's all this is right now - saddness - but I'll even take some extra Vitamin D and start taking a B Complex tomorrow as well. Ei yi yi.

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I put on one of my new knee-high boots this morning to wear to church. Something was in my boot. What? I've never worn them before. Reached down and pulled out a plastic green triangle block. Eithnee's. Now how did that get in my boot??

Our team mates have an 17 month old little girl. I watched her tonight and had absolutely no desire to pick her up, cuddle her, nuzzle her neck or kiss/hug her. None. All I could think of was a little girl half way around the world that needs her grandmother's arms around her, holding her. And a little boy who misses me, but not as much as I miss him, I'm sure.

I think one of the things that I have learned here in Ukraine is that loving hurts. I was going to a baby hospital for almost 3 years, once or twice a week, to hold and then play with abandoned babies as they got older. Three kids were there the whole time while others came and went. One day I went in, they were 3 years old, and all 3 were gone. Poof! Gone. One was adopted by a Ukrainian family, so I was told. The other two went into the orphanage, so I was told. I've never heard about them since even though I asked several times where the orphanage kids were at specifically. I never went back. It hurt too bad, and I was told there were no more abandoned babies there anyway. True? I don't know.

It hurts to love.

My grandchildren are not abandoned. I have not abandoned them - yet sometimes I feel like I have. Like I am the one who abandoned them and they will feel that way all their lives - that their grandmother abandoned them. Oh - I pray that is not true. Kara wrote that Eithnee does seem to miss me and all the holding and loving I gave her. I pray that this does not affect her negatively at her very young age.

But there is nothing I can do - these things happen to all of us at some time in our lives.

Yet, I looked at that little girl tonight and there was no desire to hold her. A little verbal play, yes - but physical touch - no.

This saddens me.

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I made it! It's 2 minutes 'til 11:00pm. Time for bed. Finally! Sleep - please come and take me away for 8 hours!!!

On The Way to the Airport

Oh so many days ago now, Kara and John took us up to the airport in our car. Stirling and Eithnee came along, too - of course! Here is the last visual memory I have of Stirling. I'm not sure what was in his hair - BBQ sauce? - that made it so sticky, but there you go. He thought it was halarious, having horns, altho I don't think that he realized exactly what he looked like. :-) That is my grandson. And I love him to pieces and I miss him so very much already.


Eithnee slept a good part of the way.And here is Kara. I think this is a good photo of her, although you can't see her beautiful long hair in this photo.

Laughing

Oh these kiddos make me laugh. I had fun tonight with Eithnee, sticking Cheerios on her face in various places. My mother told me that I myself had obviously never grown up. I told her I used to do this with my own 3 kids, too. ha ha!

Stirling wanted in on the fun, too. He's such a character. It's hard to get him to be serious when I want a photo, or it's hard for him to smile naturally. It's one extreme or another. Love that kid to pieces!!

What a Beautiful Sunset

Mel and I picked up the mail this afternoon on our way to the post office to mail out our Christmas cards and prayer/update letters. I've often wondered what the mail delivery person thinks about the mail that comes to this address. There are several names and last names that get mail here: my parents of course - this is actually their house after all!, Mel and me, our son Andrew, our daughter and son-in-law, and my nephew and niece still often get advertisements here, too. That's a total of 4 last names right there. Then my aunt and uncle got mail here for awhile after their house was foreclosed on and they lived here for 9 months. Two of my sisters still get an occasional piece of mail here, each under their married names. It's pretty amazing, actually. The mail boxes started out as TWO old fashioned mail boxes with a red flags on the sides. That was 40 years ago. Yes, 40 years ago. Wow. Where did the time go? Now, just around the corner from where that box was, are located 5 or 6 multi-box boxes. I don't know how many people live down this side county road now, but I know it was originally two families. Now - possibly 25 or more from the number of boxes. Some of the boxes are for people who live farther up the main county road as well. Every once in awhile, the post office puts in another post with more of those locked boxes on it.
Mel opened my parents' box and right there on the very top of the stack of mail were 2 notices that mail needed to be picked up at the Tamarack branch post office. Our visas had arrived. So, we drove on down to the main post office and bought stamps, stuck stamps on envelopes and then gave them to the clerk behind the counter. Then we drove north out of town - well, it used to be OUT of town, now it's just to the north end of town - and went to the second post office. We had to wait in line for about 15 or 20 minutes. And then, suddenly it seemed like, our whole world did a major shift. We held our passports in hand, looking at bright shiny visas that told us, and the world, that we could live in Ukraine legally for the next 12 months.We've been expecting these visas. We've prayed for these visas to arrive in a timely manner. Part of me said, "Well, it's about time." And another part of me cried out, "No! Not yet! How can I leave my home, my family, Colorado? I'm not ready!"

It seems that we have been living in a crack between two worlds for so long now that I'm not sure what it's going to be like to actually live 'for reals' in one of those worlds completely. A part of me is mourning. A part is rejoicing. I confess - mostly I am mourning.

My parents are elderly and both have had major surgery this year. My father is on 24/7 oxygen now and has fluctuating blood sugar levels. My mother is still recovering from her stroke 18 months ago, although most people would never realize she'd had one, she has recovered so well at this point. She is still recovering from her shoulder surgery this summer. It is difficult for me to leave them now.

My kids are doing well, overall, although this was a very difficult year for our daughter and her family. I dread leaving my grandkids... I don't think I can even write about it at this moment. Pain. Real, emotional pain.

So, Mel and I picked up our mail and then we went shopping for a few items. And then we came home, to my parents' home. And God gave me a blessing. As we came out of the UPS shop, where we bought a box to prepare stuff for shipping to Ukraine, the sky was ablaze in color. Mel drove up a road we know has a good view of the sky and this is where I took these photos tonight.

I know that I will not see beautiful skies until we come home from Ukraine. Colorado skies are Western skies and Western skies do not exist in Ukraine. We seldom see the sky in Ukraine, especially in the winter months - we see white or unbroken gray, but no sky. God gave me a gift tonight and I will hold onto it.

He will hold onto me.
He will not let me go.
I have His promise.

Just a Hello

Worked for several hours tonight, trying to get my computer to print out mailing labels. I remember that one of the previous Microsoft programs was very easy to use when I wanted all of my address list printed out. Vista, however, was a nightmare. Why oh why do they keep changing programs to make them more difficult to use? Facebook does the same thing. I just get used to the way it has to be done, and facebook changes something again. Sigh.

It's almost 11:30 pm and I'm just too tired to try and write tonight. I need to spend some time writing. I'm feeling the need to write again. To put down frustrations and whatever in print. To work things out via words I can see. I guess I'll have to try tomorrow.

However, tomorrow I will have a 6 year old dogging my every step. I love it. I love it around the frustrating times. If I could get him busy with a game, I could write. However, the games are on this computer...so writing at the same time is not possible. Guess I'll just have to spend time with my little grandson. Poor me! ha ha. In a couple months I will be crying real salty tears of missing both him and the granddaughter so much I won't be able to stand it. Gotta soak it all in now.

So - hopefully, maybe more tomorrow.

Goodnight.

Clash of the Plaids

I finished another woven scarf several nights ago. Mel took it, along with the rest of the laundry, to the laundromat yesterday and washed and dried it.
I can't believe how soft it turned out, after being washed. I thought it was a bit too stiff before and was concerned that it might be uncomfortable to wear. Now, however, I think it's 'just right'.
The color in the photos (at least on my computer) are a bit too yellow. I used the 'sunset' mode on my camera. The other settings all came out with the pink totally washed out and the brown quite ugly. These are truer to the real color. I like it. I used Red Heart acrylic yarn in brown and Chocolate Cherry (or was that Chocolate Chip Cherry??)colorways.
And here is my granddaughter, modeling it for us, kind of behind that 6 legged horse toy. I just love the clash of the plaids (not!). :-)
I already have another scarf on the loom. Am trying another color pattern/plaid. I'm also working to get the edges more even. On this scarf above, one side is a bit looser than the other and it gives the scarf a slight bow or curve to one side. Very slight, but there. I seem to have this problem on everything and it's always on that side, so I'm not sure if it's the way I warp the loom, or the way I weave or what. I'll just keep working at it until I figure it out.

I really like weaving!

Last FO For A Few Days

I finished knitting this little scarf for Stirling back in March or April, I think. I just never took the time to sew up the seam until tonight. I've decided I have a bunch of things that just need to get finished, I guess!Stirling asked me for a "Stoplight Scarf". I'm not sure what that is, but I got the colors and knitted this, experimenting for the first time with using two colors in one row. Kind of a Fair Isle look. I liked it. Not sure I'm real fond of these colors, but hey, it's a Stoplight Scarf after all! (I'm also not real sure it will be long enough for him, but it wraps around Eithnee's neck a couple of times, with some to spare. She modeled it for me tonight, very proudly I might add. I think Kara's in trouble - she seems to be quite fashion conscience at the ripe old age of 9 months!)

And here is a photo of Eithnee. It's fuzzy, I know - that's because she squinted at the purple light my camera shines each time it takes an indoor photo. I have lots of photos of her making odd faces because of that. But I kind of like this one. I am a grandmother after all! (grin)

Mel and Andrew just drove up to the top of the hill and parked their cars. Dad followed them up. It's supposed to snow, starting tonight, from 4 to 12 inches. We are supposed to go down to Westcliffe tomorrow to visit friends and supporters, but it's supposed to snow down there, too. We'll see what happens!

I'm holding Eithnee as I type. She's propped on the table and my left arm. My hands are free to type on the keyboard, altho I keep having a problem hitting wrong keys with the left hand due to the angle. :-) But it's worth it to me, just to hold her a bit more.

Eithnee must weigh over 8 pounds now. She is definitely growing like a weed. Her little cheeks have filled out, her arms and legs have filled out - but she is still very little for 10 weeks, or is it 11 now? She may be little, but believe me! She has personality and attitude. She is a grumpy little thing at times, but we think it's because her digestive system is still trying to catch up and she's a bit colicky. This past two weeks she has decided that she is a mama's girl and doesn't really want her Grandma Cindie very much. She is intrigued by the males in the house - loves to just lie in their arms and stare, stare, stare at them. But Grandma Cindie is only ok if she has a bottle to feed her. Now, it seems to me that Eithnee is very young to have a fixation on her mama. Usually this starts somewhat later - like around 8 months or later? Her Oma agrees - I guess she's not too fond of her Oma right now, either.

Actually, it seems to me that she is doing several things very early. From about 3 weeks of age - meaning before she was even supposed to be born yet! - she's been holding her head up by herself. She definitely has a "bobble head" but she holds it up just fine. She just can't control it very well yet as to whether it goes to the side, but front and back - yep.

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A new day! Kara came back upstairs last night and we sat and talked and I never got this post posted, so I'll finish it now - - I hope!

By the time we went to bed last night, it was kind of raining and snowing at the same time. This morning we woke up to at least 6 inches on the ground and heavy snow still falling. It's thinned out a bit in the last 45 minutes, but has also grown much darker. For almost 8 a.m. it looks like late evening instead.

I often tell people in Ukraine that we get the most snow from March to May. Well, it's the end of April and we are having our usual "April Blizzard". Good thing Mel, Andrew and Dad took the cars up last night!

There is a fire burning in the woodburner, but not much wood is up from the woodshed. Mel will help Dad (if Dad will let him) get up a couple wheelbarrows full after Dad runs the snow blower. My Dad is so darned independent that he hates to ask for help and will often just 'disappear' and go do things without telling anyone or asking anyone to help.

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I got a special thing in the mail yesterday. Well, actually it came via FedEx Ground.

For several years I've received a catalog from The Teaching Company. "The Teaching Company brings engaging professors into your home or car through courses on DVD, audio CD, and other formats. Since 1990, great teachers from the Ivy League, Stanford, Georgetown, and other leading colleges and universities have crafted over 250 courses for lifelong learners like you. It's the adventure of learning without the homework or exams."

A few years ago I ordered a course on the history of the English language for Mel and we both really enjoyed it. At the same time I ordered a course on the history of Rome for myself. Mel and I have both listened to about half of it. I hope to finish it when we get back to Ukraine. (I really enjoy the professor on this one - he has an interesting sense of humor.)

Last week I ordered two courses, "Cosmology: The History and Nature of Our Universe" and "Understanding the Universe: An Introduction to Astronomy". The box arrived via FedEx Ground yesterday. I opened up the box to to make sure that everything was there, but I didn't open any of what was inside. Now I'm excited to open up the two packages inside and take a look at the course book. There are several DVDs and I'm really, really looking forward to getting into them. There are supposed to be several hundred photos from space.

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Ok, it's gotten so busy in here that I have to quit. It's been one interruption after another as I write and I can't keep a straight line of thought going for writing. I feel like it's all jagged bits coming out of my head and I can't really express myself very well. So, hopefully, I'll get back to another post before too long!