A Balcony Garden?

I had an interesting conversation with an American this weekend. I said I loved the flowers at a specific place and started taking photos of them. The person responded that I should plant some flowers myself to enjoy here at our flat.

We live on the 3rd floor.

Plant some in front in your entrance area anyway.

The entrance area is cared for by/belongs to someone else.

Plant some on your balcony.

We have a grapevine that covers our balcony that blocks most of the sunlight. Plus, I'd have to find the dirt, carry it up to our flat, buy some small pots and then find the flowers, etc.

(All of this IS do-able, of course, if I could find shade loving blooming plants that fit in a 3 inch pot.)

Well, just find some pots and plant some flowers!

So, this morning, I look out at the balcony, all of 2 feet wide, with bars all around like a cage, and my sheets and pillow cases out there, blowing gently in the breeze from one side to the other, the grapevine covering most of the bars, the railing all of 3 inches wide, all of the sticks/linoleum/boards I had collected to make triangle-shaped shelves each summer across the 2 railing corners thrown away by an over-zealous housekeeper who stayed here 2 years ago while we were in the States - and I just kind of laugh to myself. It's a slightly hysterical laugh, I admit.

I throw up my mental hands and say - you gotta live here, you gotta walk 10 miles in my shoes - and THEN you can tell me what I can and cannot do, am able or not able to do. I've lived in this flat for over 10 years and I've tried a number of things, including trying to grow ginger out on the balcony and trying to keep a sun/shade loving houseplant alive out there with the a/c unit blowing hot air on it all summer.

I gave up and love the grapevine instead.

Sigh.

I really did like those flowers and I liked taking photos of them, and I like looking at them on my computer screen.

The balcony, however, will remain flower-less.

Two more of my house plants have died due to the neglect they got last year while we were gone. I've just put the planters out on the balcony in a corner with the other ones. One of these days I'll give them all away or throw them away.

I've given up for now.

I am going to have a large garden in heaven.

I hope.

On the other front - one of the female guppies committed suicide while we were gone this weekend. Finally found her poor dried out lifeless body this morning, hiding in one of the designs on the carpet. There are a whole bunch more tiny guppies in the pond with the remaining male and female, tho, so maybe she had just 'had enough' of mating and motherhood? :) ha ha!

FO and Complaining

This is my latest Finished Object. It went really fast once I decided what I was actually going to do with the warp. The finished project is not anything at all what I had planned to end up with since I started out with a completely different design in mind. Such is my life sometimes.

I worked toward the original plan in several different ways. All of them ended up being unwoven (the nice thing about using acrylic yarn and weaving very loosely is that it comes apart very quickly with out felting together at all).

The scarf is actually darker and more purple-y than it shows in the photos, at least on my computer. The Danish Medallions - a last minute total design change - are actually woven with lavendar yarn, but kind of look more whitish in some of the photos. Next time, if there is a next time, I will weave them with double strands of yarn to accent them more, and I may try to start them in the middle of the scarf, weave them toward the edges and back and then tie a bow - or something. Little pom-pom? I'm not sure. I don't like the way they look here.

I do like the main scarf, altho the edges need some work. The colors are really pretty in real life. It ended up being a lot shorter than the Bamboo Scarf, even though I warped the loom with the same length warp threads. I don't know why. I haven't figured out what makes the difference yet - pattern, looseness or tightness of the weave, change in air pressure, what?

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Emotionally, I'm at a breaking point right now. Maybe because I have not been writing? Processing my thoughts in print rather than holding them in and/or verbalizing them? I do a lot better when I write. Whatever. I feel like a basket case right now.

Frustrated with myself. Angry with myself over several things. Sad. Feeling like just giving up on everything. Now.

I wanted to go to Last Bell at the orphanage this year, to say goodbye to the kids who were graduating in my Sunday school class. And I forgot all about it. Until Mel looked out the window and said, "There goes a little girl with a white puffy thing on her head. Must be all dressed up for Last Bell." Or something along those lines (little girl, white puffy thing on head). There was no way, at that point, that I was going to be able to get to the orphanage in less than 5 minutes.

Beat my self up mentally, royally, for the next several days. Anger at myself. Plain and simple. Dispair because I seem to fail so often at simple things - like making it to Last Bell on time, once a year - forgetting it was actually going to happen.

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My eye is not doing well. I can barely see out of it at all now. Well, I can see colors and large shapes, and they are perfect in shade and probably size - but how far away is the item/person/animal? And what are the details - like does the person/animal actually have a face - or just a blurry pink blob with brown/black/white blob on top (human) or, well, I can't even see that much of animals, so ... If Cheyenne is laying in my loom, while I'm tying the ends of the scarf on the table in front of her, I can close my left eye, look at her beautiful white blob of fur and tell she has pinkish bumps on top of what I think is her head, so that would make them ears, and if she opens her eyes, I can see that she has yellow and black dots under those pinkish bumps so I figure that's her eyes, and of course there is the pink dot in the center below the yellow and black dots, so that must be her nose - but that's about it.

And it makes me so angry! So angry that I went through the cataract surgery and could see so well, tho definitely not 100% due to the tear/scar in the macula, but I could SEE again and now I can't!!!

So, Mel asks me if I've looked it up on the internet and I say no (because I'm too scared and too angry and too full of self-pity) and he tells me I should because maybe this is "normal" or can be fixed or something.

So I do. I look it up and voila! It may be a simple thing that can be fixed with laser surgery and is common. And I feel better immediately. And I feel angry at myself for being so stupid and putting myself through the pain of fear of the unknown. And I won't have some Ukrainian "doctor" doing laser surgery on my eye, so what to do? What to do? (Throws mental hands up in the air in frustration and self-pity rears it's ugly head and self preservation tries deperately to push it back down, stomp on it, kill it before it takes over my whole life.)

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We came back to Ukraine and my fish were all dead, the pond stuck back in the back room. A few weeks after returning I accidently broke the fountain - which caused me a great deal of self-recrimination because I really did like that fountain a lot. The color of the blue glass was beautiful, the sound of the fountain running was soothing - I liked that fountain a LOT. And I broke it doing something stupid.

I kind of expected the fish to be dead because we'd been gone so long and I knew no one was hear for days at a time.

What I did not expect at all - and maybe I should have - is that most of my plants would be dead.

This has caused me no end of anger, grief, self-pity, frustration in a number of areas and just plain "I give up, I'm never going to have plants again, no one ever brings me flowers, no one cares about what I like, no one likes me, I don't like me, I'm going to throw out all of my plants/pots/vases because why bother they are just going to die/break anyway" and on and on until I'm sick of myself.

Now these thoughts don't go through my mind all the time. No, usually only when I'm already feeling down for some other reason. Or when I water what's left of my plants. Or when I finally decided to put away all the pots that just have dead dirt and sticks in them now. But let's face it - I'm angry that my plants died. Angry. I make a home here in Ukraine - and the things I do to make it my home die from neglect. Even my cat is different now.

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I rail/rale (how is that spelled??) against God: "You take everything away from me!!! My grandkids, my kids, my parents, my fish, my plants, other things in my life that are important to me, being able to teach kids in a language I can actually speak, mountains, my country, my eyesight, my knees (and on and on ad nauseum). It's YOUR FAULT, God!" I kick against the goad. I shake my fist, stamp my mental foot and feel oh, so sorry for poor me.

I'm disgusted with my self, actually.

I am so glad God is patient. And I'm so glad He forgives. And I'm so glad that I really do, deep in my heart, believe that He loves me. And somehow, I really do believe, somehow, someway, this is all "good" for me. I don't get it. I'm still mad about a lot of it. I still want to throw all my pots off the balcony in a fit of temper (which I guess is better than wanting to throw Cheyenne off the balcony, or throw the pots at Mel for some unknown reason). I just wish it was different. I want my life to be easier. If I'm going to live in Ukraine - why can't I have plants? Other people do. Why can't I have fish and a pond? Other people do. Why can't I see better?

Oh, I am so tired. So very, very tired.

I would want to go home - but I have no home to go home to. Home is here. Home is where Mel is. Home is exactly the place where I'm supposed to be right now and I am there.

I guess I'll go empty the washer and hang out the clothes on the balcony to dry. That's the next thing. And then - maybe I'll try and find another scarf pattern to work on later tonight.

We'll see.

Window Sunshine

I like this photo. It makes me thoughtful and a wee bit sad.

This photo and plant make me laugh. When we left for the States, Little Brontosauraus here was just an average, normal cactus, reaching for the sky, straight up into the heights of the window sunlight. We came home to him, morphed into a want-to-be dinosaur. :-) Who knows what lurks in the hearts of cacti? You might be surprised!

State of the Balcony Report

Winter gray. Lots of dead leaves, dirt and dust and junk that I have no idea where it comes from all the way up here on the third floor. Bird droppings and sunflower seed shells from the bird feeder. This is the state of the balcony on a gray February day. I need to get a broom out there, but I've actually had the balcony door mostly sealed off during these cold days, trying to keep it warmer inside. If it would snow, I'd get out there and just sweep off the dirt and dead leaves along with the snow onto the ground. I never sweep leaves and dirt off, but into a dustpan and then put it in the garbage. If I just swept if off, the neighbor below would have a balcony full of 'my' dirt and leaves. Believe it or not, I do sweep the balcony off at least once a month - this stuff is from the last 4 weeks or so since I've only been out there a couple times. Where does it come from???? The neighbors above us have enclosed balconies, so it doesn't come from them.Here is my planter that held the ginger last summer. Now it has daffodils in it. As you can see, they are already coming up.This is a view from our balcony out into the 'yard.' See all that nice green grass? Yes, it has been cold, but rarely below 32 degrees F. The temp just hangs around the lower 30's up into the mid-40's most days. It is the lack of heat inside that makes it so cold, not a very cold temp outside. I don't know whose clothes those are, but they are going to smell very smokey. The neighbor in one of the private yards across from us just lit a fire to burn a bunch of dead branches and leaves. You can kind of see the smoke in the photo - it makes the cars and that area 'grayer' than it really is. Guess I won't be hanging out the clothes I just finished washing! I'm glad I have an indoor drying rack, although it takes up a lot of room when I set it up.And finally, two photos of most of my indoor plants (I chose not to take a photo of the ones around the fish pond because that's where the clothes rack is at, with clothes on it now :) )

Random Photos

Photos taken December 1 - I still have petunias on the balcony. There are even a couple small blooms, a little worse for the wear because wind and light frosts will do that to you, no matter who or what you are. :) They are still alive today, mostly because the temperatures have been consistently in the 50's and 60's during the day and high 30's and 40's at night and I keep watering them once a week. It's hard to think this is really December. The daffodils I bought and planted are already starting to come up, too.


And here we have a prime example of what is happening in this city. I can count eight (EIGHT, 8) advertisements in this photo, not counting the phone number ad. I know which ones are actually separate ads, although it's hard to see in this photo. Actually, I took the photo just for my sister in Alaska. Yep - the big letters say: "Alyaska". There are actually more ads just out of sight. Pretty soon Kherson will be one big advertisement, without flowers, trees, sky, grass or .... just advertisements. Makes me want to puke. I find them totally disgusting. I find what they stand for equally sad. Sigh.

And just so we don't leave this post feeling downright depressed, here is photo I took tonight. Cheyenne has found Nirvana! A nice warm hidey hole under the Christmas tree and up against the semi-warm radiators. She's happy and content - for a few minutes! And I am having a blast decorating the flat for Christmas already! :) :) I'm not finished by a long shot. I've got my Christmas plates and mugs out, the Christmas tablecloth (not the one in the photo), placemats and napkins out. I've still got a lot more decorating to do. I love this time of year - from October through February, actually, for decorating around the flat. It makes the gray skies outside (see first photo) much more bearable.

Joy! Joy! Joy!

Pretty In Pink & More

"Two Sisters After Snack Time" Happy Birthday, Anna! Five years old today. :)

A gift for me from one of the girls, Alina. The wristband says: by Alina.

Tonya and Kristina working on their puzzles after the class.

Kristina, Igor and Sasha working on their word puzzles. Igor (pronounced Eager, NOT Eyegore!) is almost 14 years old and has studied in an English School for the past 8 years (classes are taught in English, not Ukrainian, from what I understand). His English is very British in pronunciation and he does very well compared to the other kids. He could actually be in Mel's class, but I don't think he wants to go in with the adults (i.e. Old Ladies) who are in that class. Kind of like the two Old Ladies who really should be in my class, but refuse to come to mine because that's where The Kids are. It is interesting to me that the Beginning English class has students from about 8 to 65 years old. They don't mind the age differences apparently! :):)

My avocado seed has sprouted! I'm going to have an avocado tree! Mel says: "And where is this plant going to go??????" On the windowsill, of course, with all the others! heh heh heh