Dying to Self......

April 11, 2006

Who does God see when He looks at me? Does He see Christ or does He see me?

I have been struggling with this question for many weeks now and I still don’t have an answer. I’ve asked several people, people I know who are strong Christians, people who “know what they are talking about.” And I always get the same answer – but it is an answer that does not answer my question.

The answer I get most often is “God sees you, clothed in the righteousness of Christ” or words to that effect. Kind of a “let’s have it both ways at once” kind of answer. But it does not answer my question. Does God see Christ or does He see ME?

In October of last year I had to tell my dear husband that I could not return to Ukraine at that time. I was so depressed I was actually beginning to have suicidal thoughts. There are many things that contributed to that depression – things like a genetic predisposition toward depression, suffering reverse culture shock, dealing with leaving my family and my new grandson whom I had become very close to, plus several other factors. I went into counseling with a wonderful woman. Under my doctor’s care, I changed medications, experimenting until I found the kind and the dosage that best controls my depression. I say “controls” because depression, at least for me, is a lot like alcoholism. “Hi, I’m Cindie and I have depression.” I cannot foresee a time when I will not have the gray specter of depression hovering in the background of my mind and soul. It’s a matter of learning to live with it, learning to control it by medical and psychological means. It’s mostly a matter of accepting the fact and going on with my life. And so it goes. I’m obviously back in Ukraine, and I am not currently depressed, so I’m doing something right so far.

But the question comes back to haunt me. Who does God see when He looks at me? Christ or me? This is an important question for me because it has a lot to do with my depression. I’m not sure how, exactly, but I know that the answer to this question means a great deal to me in how I handle my depression.

I have been taught from babyhood that as a human being I am totally depraved. There is nothing I can do that would be good enough to pay for my sin. Just one sin is enough to keep me out of heaven and how many sins do I have? Uncountable! Not only do I have an uncountable number of sins, my very status as a human makes me sinful because I am a daughter of Adam – I inherited his sin nature just by being born.

What is the remedy for this state of total depravity? Only the blood of Jesus Christ, shed on the cross, can pay the debt, wipe away that sin, cleanse me and make me perfect in God’s sight. I was chosen by God before the foundation of the earth to be His daughter – before the earth existed, Christ knew He was going to die for my sin. And He did so. Now I am clothed in His righteousness. I am forgiven. I am adopted into God’s family. I am His daughter.

I know all of these things, and in more depth than what I’ve written above. I believe them. I have hope of eternal life because of those facts. They are my only hope!

So, why is it so important for me to know – who does God see when He looks at me, Christ or me?

I think part of the answer to the question of importance has to do with the process of sanctification. I’ve been taught that God cannot look at sin, that He will not hear the prayer prayed by a sinful unrepentant person. I have been taught that no matter what I do, how much I change during my life, no matter how holy I become here on earth – it will never be enough to make me not sinful in this life time. So – if God cannot look at sin, and I am and always will be sinful until the day I die and see Him face to face – who does God see when He looks at me – Christ (and His blood paying the penalty for my sin) or ME?

Ok, ok! I can hear it now! “He sees you, washed in the blood of Christ and robed in His righteousness.” Granted – that is what He sees. But it’s not a real picture of who I am!!! The only righteousness in me is Christ’s righteousness. I have none of my own – all I have is a dead body of sin hanging all over me. And that leaves me with the knowledge that God does not see ME. He does not see me in the here and now, me in reality, me alive before I am dead in the body. He sees Christ. “Christ in me, the hope of glory.”

Where am I? Where is the me that suffers from depression? Where is the me that struggles with sin, knowing that no matter how hard I struggle I will never conquer it? Where is the me that continues to sin, even when I don’t want to? Where is the me that must continue to live day by day until I reach the final peace and end of struggle in death? I know the answers (I will never be able to conquer my sin – it can only be conquered by Christ and as His child it is conquered. But that leaves me with the knowledge that I still sin and it never seems to change at all and it is never going to get any better until my physical body is dead.) I feel like I am left with the horrible knowledge that God does not see me, the real me alive here on earth today. He only sees Christ in me, He only sees the me I will be someday in the sweet bye and bye.

And that leaves me feeling very alone. And wandering. And without much self-confidence to continue on. I want to matter to God. I want to be me, not just a reflection of His Son. And oh how I fear that those words are blasphemous in some way! “He must increase and I must decrease.” Am I not supposed to get to the point in my spiritual walk that I care nothing for myself – but only for Christ alone? I don’t think I can ever get to that point.

If I am so horrible, if there is nothing in me that God wants to look at but only the reflection of His Son – why did He make me the way I am? Why did He make me with a personality, with likes and dislikes, with the knowledge that I am who I am? Why didn’t He just make me sanctified to start with, with the mind of Christ in me so I wouldn’t struggle with these kinds of questions? Oh, I could start blaming Him for all of this. “You did it, God! You’re not fair!” and so forth and so on, but there is no use in doing that. Why do I have to live now, knowing that nothing I do is good or perfect or beautiful – because everything I do, and think, and say is at least tainted if not completely sinful through and through?

I want so much for God to see ME. Me with all of my quirks. With all of my pain. With all of my love for nature. With all of my joy in seeing. With all of my personality. I want Him to look at ME and say, “Wow! I like this woman! I’m glad I made her just the way she is! Look at that personality she’s got (I made it and I like it just the way it is – wouldn’t change a thing)! I’m glad I chose her! I’m glad my Son was willing to die for her! I can hardly wait until she’s in heaven with me so we can talk face to face.” I want to feel the sunshine of His love again – I’ve felt it in the past, I want to feel it again. (In the movie, Chariots of Fire, Eric Liddle says, “When I run, I feel God’s pleasure.” I felt His pleasure in me at one time…) So very, very much I want to feel it in my soul, in my body, in my being. Instead, I feel like He is saying “If my Son’s blood wasn’t covering her all up I wouldn’t have a thing to do with her. Good thing His blood is so thick – it really hides who and what she is. Whew! I’m glad I can look at my Son until she finally gets rid of everything she is now and makes it up here! If I’m looking at Him, I can stand to have her in my sight.” Everything inside me says, Yes! That is the way God is! God doesn’t love YOU, Cindie! He loves His Son. Adjust, He’s not going to change – YOU have to.

In so many ways it’s the changing that is so hard. Everything in my life is changing all of the time. There is nothing stable to hold onto. Not my church (oh yes, it is slowly decaying and going downhill – let’s face facts!). Not my government and country. Not my husband (his body is just as fragile in its physical-ness as mine). Not my family. Not my self.

I know that the Word of God remains the same. I know that Christ remains the same (yesterday, today and forever). He is the only thing that is constant and secure and unchanging. That is my only hope when questions like this assail me.

How can people continue live their lives without that knowledge?

Who does God see when He looks at me? Does He see Christ or does He see ME?

Is this what “dying to self” is?