Anger

June 19, 2006

Anger is a very powerful emotion. I am angry. I have been angry for quite some time. It doesn’t work to stuff anger down inside your mind. Anger has a way of working it’s way back up to the top of the pile, no matter how far down it’s stuffed and along the way, it touches everything else, so in the end, every emotion, every thought is in some way tainted by that anger.

Now, anger can be good. Or it can be bad. It all depends upon the reason for the anger. And the way it is handled.

I have never been very good at handling anger. I stuff it down inside and then pretend it isn’t there. I’ve done that for years. Often the situation resolves itself and the anger fades away, leaving only a shadow. The problem with shadows is that they exist, they don’t go away, they just hang around. One shadow added to another makes a bigger shadow. A bigger area that is shadowed, even though the root cause is gone. Add a fresh anger to those shadows and the likelihood of an explosion increases. Or, the likelihood of depression increases. I wish I could be angry, flash and get it over with and forget it like some people do, but instead, I stuff it down. And the shadows grow and writhe within me.

Shadows are not happy. Shadows do not bring joy. Shadows can be empty places. Shadows can be places full of feelings hidden from the light. Shadows are a problem. Shadows rise to the top of my life, like mushrooms that poke their way up through the soil, indicating that there is a rotting root or stump just under the layer of topsoil. Shadows do not block things from view so much as they color the way you see everything. Shadows are not invisible – no, not at all.

So, I am angry. I have been angry for 7+ years. Angry over a situation, angry over a person, angry over feeling like no one listens to me even when I know without a doubt that I am right. I am even angrier when I am proved correct. I don’t feel vindicated. Instead, now the top is off the anger, the shadows have joined together with a fresh anger and a mushroom cloud is growing inside me. I could easily reach a flash point, a damaging explosion.

It frightens me. I want to keep that anger stuffed. I want to keep it hidden. I’ve told God many times that I am angry. I told my counselor that I am angry. I recently told my husband how angry I am, and I think it shocked him. I want to call down fire from heaven on someone. I want them to be removed – one way or the other. I want them punished, I want them to hurt. I want them to go away and never come back. Never. Not even if they repent for their pride and sin. I just want this person out of my life. I thought this person had left, but no, this person has returned. And the problems this person brings into our life this time are magnified a thousand times.

The problem is, unless this person actually physically dies, I have a feeling this person will never be out of my life. We now know too many of the same people. So, unless this person dies, or unless this person ends up in jail (and this person has enough dishonest actions now to make me wonder if it might not happen eventually) unfortunately, I am afraid I will never be rid of this person.

Actually, I will never be rid of this person until my anger is gone. When I have dealt with the anger, the root of the anger, the shadows produced by the anger – then I will be free of this person. Even if I end up living in the same town forever with this person, if the anger is gone, the shadows are gone – this person can not touch me.

How does one learn to deal with anger? I’m a Christian. The Bible tells me to “be angry and sin not.” So, how do I be legitimately angry with this person without sinning?

The words of my mouth are not pleasing to God. The thoughts of my heart are not peaceful, focused on things that are good, pure, thoughts for building up. I dwell on the ways in which I have been wronged, my husband has been wronged, our dear friends have been wronged, the Church has been wronged. I dwell on the fact that this person is a master manipulator and can turn the thoughts of people just the way they want them to go, always making themselves look really good or even the victim in the situation.

How do I STOP being angry? Or, how do I have anger and not sin? How can I pray for justice with pure motives?

Only God can give me this freedom. “You shall know the Truth and the Truth shall set you free.” Jesus Christ is the Way, the Truth and the Life. Therefore, I must believe that only in Him, only through Him will I be able to have freedom from this anger, from this person, from the shadows that haunt me.

Why is it so hard? Why can I not find the right balance? Why?

As I write this, I am reminded of something my counselor told me, an exercise she wanted me to do, to sign in commitment. In the short version, you write down everything that is important to you, going over why it is important. And then you release it to God, telling Him that you acknowledge that you have no right to it. Example: I have no right to be healthy. I have no right to be married. I have no right to…. What ever it is. Well, I think that as I write this today, I realize that I have no right to be angry.

My anger is justified. (Really!) But I have to give the right to be angry to God and let Him take care of it. This is hard – I want to be angry.

So, now comes the part where I have to submit and say, not my will, but yours, Father God. Can I give up my right to be angry to God? Do I want to be rid of the fire of anger inside me? Do I want to give up the shadows that hang around from past anger? Do I want to give up the right to keep a shadow of this present anger when the situation is resolved (one way or the other, it will be resolved)?

Oh, this is very, very difficult!

Do not fret because of evil men
Or be envious of those who do wrong;
For like the grass they will soon wither,
Like green plants they will soon die away.

Trust in the Lord and do good;
Dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Delight yourself in the Lord
And he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord;
Trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
The justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;
Do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
When they carry out their wicked schemes.

Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
Do not fret – it leads only to evil
For evil men will be cut off,
But those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.
Psalm 37:1-9