A Mass of Insecurities

I received 3 photos of our grandson in emails this evening. I sit at the computer and look at them and realize that I am a mass of insecurity right now. This child is my first grandchild, my only grandchild. I love him passionately and completely, through and through. I have not seen him for 18 months. He was only 18 months when I last saw him - how can he remember me? Is is possible that he might have a small remembrance of his Grandmother, when he was so young when he last saw me? (he has an Oma that he sees often and a Grammy Great grandmother that he lives with) My daughter, son-in-law and parents show him our photos every day and tell him that we love him. I write him little letters on funny cards or animal cards or postcards of interesting things. So, will our meeting on Friday be like his first introduction to us, or will he have some idea of what our relationship really is? And when we do meet - will he like us? Will he like me?

I know that we will need to take our time so he can get to know us. Even if I want to pick him up immediately and hug him tight and give him kisses all over his face, I will have to restrain myself for awhile.

You never know with children, how they are going to react. Mel has cautioned me, and I know it's true, that if he is not very friendly at first, I cannot take it personally. Yes, I know this is true - but....

insecurities

I have found myself fading into the background of things more and more often. Because I am around people with very strong personalities and I am the sort who automatically steps back when I have to 'fight for my position' - well, I have found myself stepping back more and more often. Sometimes I wonder if I can step back so far that I will disappear into the wallpaper, if anyone would notice if I was gone. This is insecurity at it's finest. ha! It's interesting to me, because I don't step back from my opinions on things - quite the opposite. But I do step back in the doing of things. It is hard to help someone, or assist someone, or join someone in doing something when they are like a two year old and give off the aura of "I can do it myself!" I step back. And berate myself for doing so. And grow more insecure in my abilities and gifts.

insecurities

I am so thankful that there are two places in my life where I do not feel insecure. I feel secure in my relationship with my husband. He is human and fallible but I know that he loves me and that he truly meant it when he said his wedding vows to me. And I know that nothing, absolutely nothing can pluck me out of my Fathers' hand. I am His child, chosen before the foundation of the earth, His forever. I rest in that.

Now, if I could just get a handle on some of these other things in my life again ...