Listening

Main Entry: 1 lis·ten
Pronunciation: 'li-sen
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): lis·tened; lis·ten·ing /'lis-ni[ng], 'li-sen-i[ng]/
Etymology: Middle English listnen, from Old English hlysnan; akin to Sanskrit srosati he hears, Old English hlud loud
transitive verb, archaic : to give ear to : HEAR
intransitive verb
1 : to pay attention to sound (listen to music)
2 : to hear something with thoughtful attention : give consideration (listen to a plea)
3 : to be alert to catch an expected sound (listen for his step)
- lis·ten·er /'lis-n&r, 'li-s&n-&r/ noun
Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary (emphasis on #2 mine)

There is a special gift that some people have quite naturally. Others must choose it specifically and continually work to develop it in their everyday life. It also seems that many people - the majority, in fact - either do not have the gift, do not want the gift or do not know that they can choose to have it.

This is the gift of Listening to Others.

A few years ago I realized that people are seldom ever really listened to. I thought to myself, maybe this is why so many people go into counseling - so someone will actually listen to them, even if they have to pay that person to do it. I decided then that I wanted to be a Listener.

It was a simple decision in my case, both because I am a natural introvert and because I have so often wished there was someone who would just listen to me. I don't want to have my problems solved by that person necessarily, nor do I want them to give me their approval or disapproval of what I am thinking or doing. Feedback, yes - but not permission to think or feel the way I do. It gets a little complicated, I know. I have very seldom found anyone who is willing to do that. Maybe that is why I like to blog?

People are very self-centered. Sometimes I think we are afraid of listening to others because we then become vulnerable - them to us and us to them. Sometimes we are just bored with the person, or maybe we disapprove of their lifestyle or language, or maybe we are jealous and don't want to hear what they have to say because we will feel the lack in our own lives even more.

I was thinking about this today while I was cleaning the kitchen window shelf and the items on it. I was remembering the Ladies Bible Study last week and how they all wanted to know how our vacation went. They wanted to know about our grandson. Well, they asked about him - but they really didn't want to know about him. Example: I was asked and I began to respond but was cut off in mid-sentence by the woman who asked. She then proceeded to tell me all about her great-grandson and then she turned to the woman next to her to talk about something else.

If it was only me talking about my grandson and going on and on and on as grandparents can do, I would understand. But I see this all the time. Not just with me, but because I have chosen to be a Listener, I watch people doing it to each other all the time:
- Women talking to each other, but no one really listening to the heart cry of what the other person is saying. People not willing to dig below the surface words with a question here or there and be willing to hear what is underneath.
- Often people just all talk at each other everyone at the same time. I hear it when I'm in the kitchen with the window open - women sit out on the two benches, chatting at each other, and very often every single one of them is talking at the same time. How can they understand what anyone else is saying?
- In the States people will ask us something like, "So what's it like to live in Ukraine?" or "What do you do in Ukraine?" My answer had better be less than two sentences because anything beyond a very simple one sentence answer and I've usually lost the person I'm talking with. Eyes start looking around, feet start to shift, attention is quickly drawn elsewhere and I know that they are 'gone' even if they are standing right in front of me. Most people have no 'file' in their brain in which to put the information they have asked for, therefore it immediately goes into the deleted files bin - with possibly a fragment here or there left which must later be defragged.

I have learned to love listening to other people. Each person has their own story and most of them are very interesting. But listening takes time and concentration. It can be a real problem to stay focused if I am in a hurry or if I have something else pressing on my mind that seems more important than that person at that time.

Since we have been back, I have been asked a lot of questions, but only one person has taken the time to sit and listen to me (thank you, Julia). I have given short one or two sentences to several people, to some I've responded with "I'll have to tell you more sometime later" or "I have photos on the computer you can see next time you're over." But in reality, I know that what I am thinking and feeling, my concerns and corresponding areas of happiness for my grandson and his parents, my joy in being with them, my impressions of Wales and Scotland - everything is something that only Mel and I will ever really talk about, and that simply because we shared the experience together. (My sister in Alaska and I 'talk' via instant messaging and share a lot as well.)

I am glad that I do have someone here on earth who listens to me most of the time (and I do realize how fortunate I am in this!!). I also know that no matter the time of day or the subject matter my Father in heaven is always there and will listen and respond.

I hope that I can become a better listener. I will continue to work at it.