I also looked Tolkien up on the internet and read several articles about him. Was he a true Believer? Some indicate yes and some are not so clear. He was Catholic, a very devout Catholic, and as with everyone else who has lived and died, we will know for sure when we get to heaven.
As I am with music, only more so, I am not a big poetry fan. In fact, if there is poetry in a story I skip it 99.9% of the time. Poetry drives me nuts. Just say what you want to say! Don't beat around the bush getting to the main point! And why make it so complicated? I don't get it.
Strange. Me - who likes to write in metaphors - complaining about poetry in that way. But I always disliked it in school, I really disliked reading it aloud (getting the cadence going - blah) and I confess, listening to poetry in Russian is like listening to the same sounds over and over and over and over again. (This is because the language is gender based and the words end with the same letters - adjectives and nouns - thus mya bolshaya beliya starshaya mashina - all ending with the ya or a sound is an example. Sigh. BORING. I know, I know - it's just me!)
So, when I got out The Fellowship of the Ring and started reading it I very quickly remembered that "Oh yes, there is a bunch of poetry in this series. Oh no." And I decided then and there that I would actually read it this time.
Wow! Read large sections of these books that I totally skipped last time I read the series? Yep. I actually remember sitting in the library in high school, turning the pages while skipping those sections.
Imagine my surprise when I found out I actually enjoyed parts of the poetry in The Fellowship of the Ring. Not all of it, granted, some of it just did not 'speak' to me at all, but some of it is very good (not the poetry itself maybe, but what it says).
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say.
Mel and I were talking yesterday and I'm not sure he understood exactly what I was talking about, but I'm going to try here and put it into better words. Sometimes it seems that I can write my thoughts a lot better than speak them aloud.
When I was young it seemed that the whole world was wide open to me. As a child I learned more and more, and the world grew bigger and the possibilities of the future seemed endless. As a young woman each stage was new and exciting. Graduation from high school, working a full-time job, traveling by myself or with friends - even all the way to Alaska, going to Bible college, getting married, having my first child, and so forth and so on. It was all new. Everything was a learning process that I loved.
And always, in the back of my mind was the idea that if 'this' or 'that' didn't work out the way I liked, well, I could always change something, tweak it, work on it until it was the way I wanted. Now I had no thought ever of giving up my husband! But, when we had conflicts or troubles we could work on them, I could change, he could change, we could change and grow together. Same with the kids. And if we didn't like where we were living, the jobs that we had - well, we could get new jobs or move or start over.
But something happened along the way.
I grew older.
And the possibilities for the future became less.
Not less in importance, but less in number.
Oh, Mel and I still have to work to stay happily married. With age comes new challenges - health, available energy and so on. But we have also come to a very comfortable place with each other in many ways. Does that mean we know all there is to know about each other? Absolutely not! It just means that we have to be careful not to take each other for granted and we need to look for those new little gems. To be frank, Mel often surprises me, even after almost 33 years of marriage. And I love him more every day. That is a gift from God!
We could decide that God is calling us to a new job and place to live. That is not as simple as it was even a few years ago, but it is still very do-able.
The greatest differences are in what I know I can possibly do as opposed to what I think I can possibly do. Or be. Or become.
I know I can possibly hike in Lost Creek Wilderness Area next time we are home. But is it possible to walk a whole trail and spend a night camping out? I don't know. I doubt it. Maybe that possibility is gone forever??
I know I can still learn and study. Is is possible to go back to college? Yes. But is it realistic to think that I could have a new career in something I am very interested in? Most likely not. Maybe that possibility is gone forever??
I love working with kids and I'm glad I had my own kids and I'm glad I taught Sunday School for so many years and am doing so again. But is it possible to have another child live with us again? Maybe. But oh it would be so very different now! My energy level is so much lower, my health not what it was 30 years ago, my desire to do so is gone (unless for some reason it was my own grandchild or niece or nephew and then family takes precedence over all sorts of things!). I now truly understand what people always say: It's great to be a grandparent because then you can send the kid home after awhile. :) :)
So, as I grow older I realize that my life does not have the possibilities it once had.
This is a bit scary. It is uncomfortable. Maybe this is why guys have "mid-life crisis?" Always before if something was a disappointment, then I could go on and try something else. But it is getting to the time of life when the end of that is coming into sight.
Something to think about. Something I have been thinking about.
I wish I had a thousand lives to live so I could do and go and be all that I have thought of and dreamed of doing and going and being.
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with weary feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say.
(note that the first and last poems are not exactly alike. Tolkien wrote them both.)
And so, in many ways, Tolkien sums up better than I can:
Beneath the roof there is a bed,
But not yet weary are our feet,
Still round the corner we may meet:
A sudden tree or standing stone
That none have seen but we alone.
Tree and flower and leaf and grass,
Let them pass! Let them pass!
Hill and water under sky,
Pass them by! Pass them by!
Still round the corner there may wait
A new road or a secret gate
And though we pass them by today
Tomorrow we may come this way
And take the hidden paths that run
Towards the Moon or to the Sun.
Apple, thorn, and nut and sloe,
Let them go! Let them go!
Sand and stone and pool and dell,
Fare you well! Fare you well!
Home is behind, the world ahead
And there are many paths to tread
Through shadows to the edge of night
Until the stars are all alight.
Then world behind and home ahead
We'll wander back to home and bed.
Mist and twilight, cloud and shade,
Away shall fade! Away shall fade!
Fire and lamp, and meat and bread,
And then to bed! And then to bed!
I love my life. I love the way God has led me over the years. Oh, it has not always been easy - sometimes I have been very frustrated, or angry, or disappointed. But looking back on almost 55 years, well, I love my life and I'm glad it has been the way it's been.
But I also look forward to the future, when I am "young" again in my perfect body and perfect home, forever with my Lord and Savior.
Promise from Jesus Christ:
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going."
John 14:1-4
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