Autumn Thoughts and Prayer

Autumn is my favorite season. I'm not sure why, exactly. There is something wonderful about the smells and sounds and views of autumn.

At the same time, autumn is a sad season. And I am feeling it today.

I spent several minutes out on the balcony this morning, working on an embroidery project. This is a new project, not the big project I've been working on. I have about 2 dozen projects started, all in various stages of completion. All set aside for one reason or another. Mostly, I just get tired of working on them and go on to something else. That is why I've been trying to finish up a few this year, and to some extent I have succeeded.

As I sat working on this project, I listened to the wind blowing in the trees. Now, being on the 3rd floor puts our balcony right up here in the leaves of the trees. There is some sort of tree right off the edge of the balcony and next year we may have to cut back some branches if they actually reach into the balcony space. Just beyond that tree is a half dead poplar, or topal as it is in Russian (think the guy who played Tevya in Fiddler on the Roof - his name is/was Topal, too). My tutor said something on Wed. that I thought was very appropriate. She said that the trees sound sad this time of year.

Why is that, I wonder? What is the difference in the sound of their leaves rustling and the wind blowing through them that makes a 'sad' sound? I think it has to do with our own human awareness of what that particular sound means.

Ending.
Time is short.
Life is short.

Autumn is my favorite time of year. I have more fall decoration for the flat than any other season. Orange and brown are my least favorite colors, yet I have pumpkins and orange leaves and candle holders, etc. I love autumn - but it makes me sadder every year.

Life is short. Another summer has passed, another autumn is arriving oh, so very quickly.

My joints are hurting. My thumbs are stiff and at times while I embroider, I can barely hold the needle between thumb and finger. I wonder - how many more seasons do I have before I will have to put down needle and thread altogether? The thought makes me want to weep. I have been embroidering all sorts of things for 50 years! My mother taught me the very basics sometime around the age of 5 and I have loved creating with cloth and colored thread ever since. But now - now in the autumn of my own life, I see an end in view. And it saddens me terribly.

Yesterday while cooking a delicious pumpkin soup, I reached up toward the top of my hanging baskets to get a cube of bullion. Mel had put them up there because he often drinks a cup of bullion whenever he is hungry but cannot afford carbohydrates or fat in his diet. He can easily reach them up there. I used to be able to reach them without problem. Yesterday I reached up and within seconds I was almost on my knees on the floor in agony. My right shoulder felt like it was full of sharp knives and needles, sawing away at the bone. I'm not sure if I have a torn rotor cuff, arthritis or something else going on. All I am sure of is - I can no longer reach things that far above my head, including the top shelf of the cupboards.

A part of me is terrified. I do not want to be an invalid. I do not want to have to call Mel every time I need something from one of those shelves. I do not want to wake up every time I turn over in bed and raise my hand up over my head (I had not realized how often I sleep with my hand above my head - until now).

I know that I am in the autumn of my life, just beginning that season, really. I love autumn in nature and I have always wanted to grow old with dignity and honor. The reality is painful, though, and in many ways it frightens me. This is personally uncharted territory. I've watched my mother go through the autumn of her life, just before me a few years, and I have seen the physical pain and the changes that have happened to her. She is only 17 years older than me so it is all very fresh in my mind.

Oh, I do not want to go back to the younger years when I was having children and raising a young family. I have gone through those years, suffered through the trials and tribulations of those years, rejoice and laughed and enjoyed the wonderful parts of those years. No, I do not want to go back to the summer or even the spring of my life.

But I take these next steps into the autumn of my life with more than a little trepidation.

The breezes blow through the trees outside my balcony, my mind wanders down familiar paths, my hands carefully work the thread and cloth and I pray. Father God in heaven, I long for heaven. I long to see your face. I long to be in your presence forever! I long for a body that is not too fat, is not full of arthritis, that is not temporary. I long to spend eternity with you, in your "physical" presence, no doubts, no yearnings, no fears. Help me through these autumn years. Help me to glorify you here on earth with the time I have left. I know that these are really just the birth pangs to my true life, and birth is often difficult. Give me courage. Give me peace. Give me strength to endure what is to come. Help me trust you fully, Father, and never to forget that you love me.