However, since church this morning it has felt like Sunday to all of us. :-) It does NOT feel like a Friday at all.
I'm trying to stay up later tonight and maybe I'll make it to 11 pm since it's already 10:45. I went to bed last night around 9 and woke up at midnight and was awake until around 4a.m. Sigh. I am exhausted. I'm hoping for a good night's sleep tonight. Along with being tired I feel depression seeping in through the cracks. Thank God - literally - Thank God that the past 2 days we've had quite a bit of sunshine because it does help to keep depression at bay.
I need to spend a long time in the Word tomorrow. I feel parched.
I brought some Christmas lights from the States, LED flowers on a battery powered string about 3 feet long. I really like the way the colors change and they are so bright. Think I'll go in, lie down and watch them for awhile and try to pray. I so do not want to get depressed and I love colors and I love Christmas lights. I can handle feeling sad, and I think that's all this is right now - saddness - but I'll even take some extra Vitamin D and start taking a B Complex tomorrow as well. Ei yi yi.
I put on one of my new knee-high boots this morning to wear to church. Something was in my boot. What? I've never worn them before. Reached down and pulled out a plastic green triangle block. Eithnee's. Now how did that get in my boot??
Our team mates have an 17 month old little girl. I watched her tonight and had absolutely no desire to pick her up, cuddle her, nuzzle her neck or kiss/hug her. None. All I could think of was a little girl half way around the world that needs her grandmother's arms around her, holding her. And a little boy who misses me, but not as much as I miss him, I'm sure.
I think one of the things that I have learned here in Ukraine is that loving hurts. I was going to a baby hospital for almost 3 years, once or twice a week, to hold and then play with abandoned babies as they got older. Three kids were there the whole time while others came and went. One day I went in, they were 3 years old, and all 3 were gone. Poof! Gone. One was adopted by a Ukrainian family, so I was told. The other two went into the orphanage, so I was told. I've never heard about them since even though I asked several times where the orphanage kids were at specifically. I never went back. It hurt too bad, and I was told there were no more abandoned babies there anyway. True? I don't know.
It hurts to love.
My grandchildren are not abandoned. I have not abandoned them - yet sometimes I feel like I have. Like I am the one who abandoned them and they will feel that way all their lives - that their grandmother abandoned them. Oh - I pray that is not true. Kara wrote that Eithnee does seem to miss me and all the holding and loving I gave her. I pray that this does not affect her negatively at her very young age.
But there is nothing I can do - these things happen to all of us at some time in our lives.
Yet, I looked at that little girl tonight and there was no desire to hold her. A little verbal play, yes - but physical touch - no.
This saddens me.
I made it! It's 2 minutes 'til 11:00pm. Time for bed. Finally! Sleep - please come and take me away for 8 hours!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment