Peace and Calm

Against you,
you only,
have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken
and
contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.

I have spent much of the last 8 months listening to sermons and listening to the Bible on CD. I listened to 81 sermons by Art Azurdia on the book of Revelation. I listened to his sermons from John, chapters 14-17, and to his sermon series on the book of Hebrews. I listened to several of John MacArthur's sermons on the book of Revelation (but mostly they made me feel very uncomfortable, like - I don't think I am in agreement with this man!). I have listened to several of D.A. Carson's sermons. I've listened to Bible audio - the Gospels, Acts, Romans, Ephesians, Galatians, Revelation, Genesis, Exodus, most of Ezekiel and more. Some of the books, like Jude, I listened to several times.

And it is good. Very good. I will continue to listen to sermons and to Bible audio whenever I get a chance.

And somehow, it is changing me. From all that has happened in the past 3 days, and my reactions to it, I can see huge changes in myself. And this is good.

I came back to Ukraine this time very wounded from a family issue in the States. We were supposed to come back a year ago May and couldn't due to finances. We stayed in the States until the last week of December. And in those following months, actually, if I remember correctly, it was also the month of August! the events happened that so shook me, personally, emotionally, spiritually. Discord between family members that will have lasting effect to the end of my life.

So, I came back wounded instead of strong. I came back vulnerable. Angry. Hurt. Tired deep in my soul. Wanting to retreat into a private world where no one could hurt me again. Where I could never hurt anyone as I had been hurt.

God does not leave us in these times. No, He gives us times of rest and recooperation, but until death closes our eyes and we go to join Him eternally in heaven, these times are only temporary.

And then the difficult part of our sancification begins again. Ratcheted up a notch. In fact, I can look back over my 50 years of being a child of God and see this progression clearly. As I grew physically, God grew me spiritually. As I matured emotionally, God grew me spiritually. As my body has changed and aged, God has continued to grow me spiritually. It will never end, until I reach those 'pearly gates' because I will never, on this earth, be perfect. I will never, on this earth and in this life, be sinless. God will continue to sanctify me until the day I draw my last breath.

It is not easy. It is not simple. It is not pain-free.

I learn, I grow. I stumble, I sin. I repent, I learn, I grow. I sin. And all the while God is working. In me. In those around me. In me. In my husband through me. In my friends through me. In my team mates through me. In the Church through me.

What God is doing in my life effects not just me, but those around me. When I sin - others are effected and affected. When God disciplines me, others are also affected - by what He does, by my reactions, and so forth.

One thing I have learned, in these 50 years of being His child, is that everything that happens in my life, in my soul, has an affect/effect on those around me. And God uses that in their lives as well as in my own.

I am not a profound thinker. I am not a beautiful writer. I am only simple 'me' and must express it in my simple words. The happenings of the past 3 days have changed me, are changing the other person involved, affecting several people around us, and farther away from us, in ways neither of us could begin to understand would happen, and in some way because of that, it will also affect and cause some kind of effect on the Church.

This is frightening in some ways because sin was involved on both sides. Sin always has an effect. And consequences. And a price. Always.

How thankful I am that God is sovereign, that He uses all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. How thankful I am that he can turn mourning into shouts of joy. How thankful I am that He walks with us through the valley of the shadow of death (even death of our self-righteousness!). How thankful I am that He makes us see the idols in our lives, even when we fight so hard to ignore them, or cling so desperately to them.

How thankful I am that I am a child of God.

So, what has happened is not yet over and may not be over for quite some time. It is out of 'our' hands now. Like a pebble thrown into the still waters of a pond, the results of my inaction and the other's action ripple out, farther and farther away from us. I wonder - how far will it go? Will the ripples crash upon the shore, or will the Father step in and in His loving kindness to all of us, calm the ripples, bring peace and through that peace, greater strength to all involved? Or, in the deep, unfathomable purposes of God, will things appear to get worse for a time?

Only time will tell.

But God knows.

And I must trust - and rest - in that.

I marvel at the peace I feel deep inside. Myself just a few years ago would be screaming and demanding "my justice!" and making excuses for myself right and left and throwing blame around like a lid-less blender throws pureed fruit around the kitchen (ask me how I know this! :) ). But instead, a sense of calmness and wellness and wholeness exists.

Thank you, Father in heaven! Thank you.