And I weep. Tears fall from my eyes.
I weep for my brothers and sisters in Christ who live in Egypt.
I weep for the future of Egypt and what is coming for them as a country.
Once again I wish I could open the book and read what happened tomorrow and next week and wonder in amazement at what God did. Instead, we will live each day as it comes and see with our own eyes what God does and is doing even in this very moment that I write.
We are living in days that people have thought about and prayed for for millenia.
I am sick tonight, sneezing and nose like a faucet turned on full blast. I don't feel well. And I am tired. I want to pray and all that runs through my mind is "hold us in the palm of your hand, Lord, give us strength to endure, give us peace and security in the knowledge that we are your children. Watch over my family, bring my grandchildren to faith - oh Lord! May they be chosen by you, loved by you! With every ounce of my being I pray this. In the Name of Your Son, Jesus Christ."
I think of all the people all over the world who have no idea as to what is coming. I'm not sure which is best - ignorance or knowledge at this point.
I know a few things for certain - God is sovereign. God is holy. God is patient. But there will come a time when the cup of his wrath is full and he will bring judgement on this earth that is unimaginable.
Egypt! Why am I so concerned over what is happening in Egypt? I do not know for certain.
I told Mel earlier tonight (I've said this before, I'm sure he's tired of hearing it) that something "changed" in 2008. I remember when it happened, when I felt the change the very first time. Sitting here in our livingroom, talking with him about something - and it was like someone flipped a switch. There was the before and now there is the after. I wish I had written it down, explored it fully at that point (I need to go back and reread my blog posts at that time and see if I did write something, I don't remember doing so, but who knows?)
I am disturbed by the fact that I find no joy in what I see God doing. One of the sermons from Revelation that I listened to said that as Christians we should/will rejoice to see God punish and destroy evil on this earth. People - evil people. The preacher said we think we are better than God, more compassionate than He is, and so we get upset when we think of Him destroying evil people, the evil in this world. Yet, I do not think I am more compassionate than God. In many ways I think I have very little compassion for anyone other then myself and my closest family and that bothers me greatly. But I weep for Egypt and I weep for my Christian brothers and sisters there now who are and will be facing the wrath of their enemy, Satan, and his followers to an even greater degree once the "shield" of the current dictatorship is removed and the radicals are given freedom to act as they desire. Maybe that is where so much of my sorrow comes from - I see the growth of evil billowing and billowing and billowing, out of control (to human eyes). And yet - to think of God destroying it all ... what an internal battle I have going on! Do I love the world more than Him? In my heart of hearts I know the answer to that is yes, and that terrifies me. I fall on my knees and ask the Spirit to pray on my behalf because I do not know how to pray! Do I love God? Do I love Jesus Christ? Do I love the Holy Spirit? Oh, what frightening questions - simply because I know what a sinner I am, even though I am a child of God, and that I will never on this earth be able to love him as I should. I want to fall on my face and thank him and praise him for calling me and loving me and dying for me - ME! - when I know even only a little bit of how unrighteous I am!
So there is the up and down, the back and forth - the knowledge and love of God, the knowledge and fear because I know how unworthy I truly am. The seeing what is happening and the wishing that I lived in ignorance and that it was 1958 all over again and I was a child who did not know.
I remember the words to a song - "hide me in the cleft of the Rock". Hide me, Lord, as your wrath begins to be revealed. Hide my family in the cleft of the Rock. Hide my brothers and sisters. Help us to rejoice in your righteousness.
Oh Father. Your peace is not of this world, that is for sure. Yet, as I pray, I feel it and am comforted. I praise you and thank you.
by Augustus M. Toplady, 1740-1778
Rock of Ages, cleft for me,
let me hide myself in thee;
let the water and the blood,
from thy wounded side which flowed,
be of sin the double cure;
save from wrath and make me pure.
Not the labors of my hands
can fulfill thy law's commands;
could my zeal no respite know,
could my tears forever flow,
all for sin could not atone;
thou must save, and thou alone.
Nothing in my hand I bring,
simply to the cross I cling;
naked, come to thee for dress;
helpless, look to thee for grace;
foul, I to the fountain fly;
wash me, Savior, or I die.
While I draw this fleeting breath,
when mine eyes shall close in death,
when I soar to worlds unknown,
see thee on thy judgment throne,
Rock of Ages, cleft for me,
let me hide myself in thee.
