I was watching some cultural interplay go on at church Sunday during the service. Actually, it started before the service even began. One of the young couples has a baby boy, about 5 months old. He was fussing just a little bit. One of the older women, maybe only 10 years younger than me, went up to the mother and told her to hand him over to her. Then she took him. There is no other way to describe it – she took him from the mother. I don’t think the mother had any choice in the matter. The older woman then proceeded to keep him until well after the service had started, keeping him looking away from both the mother and father, even though the mother asked for him back. When he started fussing again, she got up and took him out of the room. Mother immediately got up, followed and within two minutes had him back in the room, at the back and began nursing him. The older woman returned with a huge scowl on her face. After Baby was fed, Mother returned to her seat beside Father and in a few minutes handed Baby to him to hold. I was very pleased to see Father holding Baby. Baby made a couple of sounds, not crying, just baby sounds. The older woman turned toward the Father and demanded that he give Baby to her. This all during the preaching of the Word. Father gave Baby back to Mother instead and the older woman turned back toward the front, head bowed, hand to her forehead for several minutes. I was sitting two rows behind her and saw the whole thing. I wasn’t sure if the older woman was crying or angry. Until later. When I realized that she was almost beside herself with fury at not getting her own way.
Another young family was also in attendance. If I had been a new visitor, I would have assumed that the young woman who held Baby, age 9 or 10 months, was the mother. This young woman came into the room carrying him in one of those front backpacks. He was sleeping soundly. He stayed in her arms the whole two or three hours we were together, except for short periods of time when other women and girls held him. But always back to the young woman. Father was busy with other things the whole time. And mother sat a few seats away the whole time, glancing over occasionally to look at Baby, as did I and everyone else. I never once saw her hold her son the whole time we were together. The young woman holding him was his god-mother.
This is one of the many things I do not understand here. The cultural relationships between adults and children. So often on the street I see grandmothers caring for their grandchildren, and sometimes even great-grandchildren. When I see a young woman with a baby I cannot assume the child is hers. The child could be her god-child, a relative or even just a friend’s baby. It appears to my American eyes that children are passed around here and there all the time.
Now, I know the parents of the two baby boys in attendance at church on Sunday. I know the mother of the first baby is very protective – much more so than other mothers I have watched. Part of the reason is this child is probably the only one she will have. She is Rh negative and here in Ukraine there is no medical help that can help her carry another baby without complications or death. She has been aware from the first that this child is it and he is more precious than gold to her. The Father of the second baby is in love with his son, totally and completely. It is wonderful to watch how father and son respond to each other. Father stands up to preach and baby responds by clapping his hands, laughing and calling out to his father. Father’s eyes light up and the occasional smile escapes toward his son. We all see it and we all respond with joy at the love between father and son.
What I do not understand is the woman who demanded the baby and expected to be obeyed. I do not understand her need to control the situation, or the acceptance by others that she do this. She has done the same thing before with both babies. I do not understand how people can butt into other families willy nilly, giving advice, correction, etc.
This is not just an issue of the younger generation learning from the older generation. There is a control issue going on. The older woman has a young daughter, in her very early 20’s. Young daughter is in love and wants to get married. At first older woman seemed to approve of the young man, but no more. She can barely speak of him now and has turned the extended family against him. This young man loves the Lord and wants to serve Him. The young daughter does as well. But over the years we have known the young daughter I have seen how her mother controls her every move. When young daughter attended my English Bible class for children, mother waited outside, refusing to come in the building, until young daughter was finished. Then they walked home together. The same thing happened as young daughter grew older and began attending church regularly and the women’s Bible study regularly. Mother waited outside. I’m not sure when this older woman started coming to church, we were in the States at the time. But somewhere along the line she began, then joined the church. I must believe that she made a true profession of faith at the time of her joining the church – how else could the elders have agreed that she could join? But watching her over the past couple of Sundays I have begun to wonder.
Control is such a huge issue here. People control each other in whatever means they can find. Sales clerks control the customer by deciding how or even when they will wait upon them (there is no such thing as the customer is always right here). Teachers control students, admin controls the teachers even to the point of demanding that they vote a certain way in elections. Grandmothers control everyone they come in contact with (why don’t you have a hat on? Where is your coat? Don’t drink a cold drink, it will give you a sore throat! Give me that Baby!). And so it goes on and on and on.
When my children were small, and even as they grew older, I kept an eagle’s eye on them. I wanted to know where they were every second. Maybe it’s because of the times in which we lived. Times when kidnappings happened, children disappeared and were never found, or maybe their sexually assaulted bodies were found days later. Even family members became suspect when reports of childhood abuses began to come out into the open. Who could we trust? It seemed that we could trust no one at all. Not even the government. The government could and did and does come in whenever they want to and take children away from parents, often for trumped up reasons. I could never have let someone take my child as I watched happen on Sunday. I never trusted anyone with my children, except my husband and very close family members.
How different the culture is here. I know that sexual abuse is rampant here. I know that children are hurt, killed, disappear here as they do in the States and in other countries. I wonder how long it will be before older women can no longer demand to hold a baby or young child and the young mother automatically hands the child over. I wonder how long it will be before even god-parents are not given 100% trust by parents.
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