True Freedom

I remember how I felt when I arrived a few days before classes began at Alaska Bible College oh so many years ago. (Can it truly be 32 years???) As Deb, another student, took me on a tour of the building that housed both the girls and boys dorms, the library, profs offices, two smaller classrooms and one large classroom that was also the chapel, she gave me the rules and regs of what I could and could not do, where I could and could not go. On this first tour, she took me through the guy’s dorm and I saw it for the first and last time. She told me that I was never allowed to set foot in the guys dorm, and I actually laughed out loud in disbelief (she quickly set me straight – I was NOT allowed!). I remember thinking how spiritual she was that these rules and regs didn’t seem to bother her, while inside, I was feeling somewhat rebellious at everything I heard. As the school year began, I looked at my other classmates and they all seemed so spiritual. It actually took me several weeks before I realized that they were all just as sinful as I was, full of as many problems as I was, struggled with life just as I did. They were just as human as me. I think that is the first time I realized that I was not the worst sinner in the world (of course I wasn’t a mass murderer, but everyone other than those obviously terrible sinners seemed so much better than me in my own mind). As I look back on it now, from the perspective of a 52 year old, knowing that the teachers at ABC were younger then than I am now – I can even see where they were having problems, they struggled with sin, they were not perfect.

I’ve struggled with these kinds of feelings all of my life. I was raised in a church that taught Total Depravity, even though they didn’t call it by that name. It was not a Presbyterian or Reformed church, it was not Anglican or Episcopalian. It was just a little Bible church that actually taught the truth and didn’t get carried away into some weird fundamentalism until we got a new pastor while I was in my early teens. That was when the church began to go “downhill.” The pastor was against almost everything having to do with modern life, and hippies were all going straight to hell. Anyone who dared dress the least bit modern was condemned as well. I remember my father, only in his early 30’s then, getting in trouble for growing sideburns. The pastor came to him, reached up, touched his sideburn and told him to get rid of them or he could no longer sing in the choir. I think that was the last straw for my parents. That, and the incessant preaching on End Times. By my Junior year of High School, I knew the books of Revelation and Daniel inside and out. Fortunately, I’d already received a good basic foundation in scripture before this man came.

I remember sitting in class one day at ABC – and guess what class it was? I laugh out loud now when I think about it. It was Dan and Rev! Daniel and Revelation! The prof, Mr. Gurney, was teaching and somewhere along the line, either in that class or another, we were instructed to read Knowledge of the Holy, by A. W. Tozer. That book, in conjunction to a new understanding of the two before mentioned books, opened my eyes to the great doctrine of God’s Sovereignty. What a freeing, liberating, wonderful, incredible, absolutely amazing thing to learn about God. God is in CONTROL of the universe! God is in control of my life. God is in control of events. Nothing is going to happen that God has not planned from the beginning of time – no, from before! the beginning of time! The world is NOT spinning out of control. I do NOT have to be concerned that someone might not come to a knowledge of God because of something I did or did not do. What a burden lifted from my shoulders! Like a mountain removed. I am not the one who sends people to hell. I am not the one who sends them to heaven. GOD is! It’s God’s responsibility, not mine! Thank you, Father!

And what is even funnier to me is that this little Bible College was not Reformed in its view. In fact, it has taken a very Arminian stand since then, stating it was totally against the Calvinist point of view. Yet, up there in Alaska, in that little Bible College, God opened my eyes to the Truth. And Jesus Christ was right – You shall know the Truth and the Truth shall set you free. Oh glorious freedom! Wonderful, amazing freedom.

I had known since I was eight years old that I needed a Savior. I accepted Christ into my heart at that tender age and was baptized. From that point on, I knew that “My Job” as a Christian was to spread the Gospel to others, because if I didn’t do it, the job wouldn’t get done and I would be responsible for all of those souls going to hell because I didn’t do what I was supposed to do. I was told that I could make God cry because people He cared about were going to hell because I didn’t tell them about Jesus. What a burden to put on a child! What a terrible burden to put on anyone!

I can feel it, even now, the joy I felt in realizing that God is Sovereign, that NONE of His children will be lost, He is in control. Oh, I am aware that I have a responsibility to live and to be and to do as He directs, as He wills. I am not free to just play and act like a child with no responsibility toward others. I have my purpose here on this earth. “For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus, to do good works which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Eph. 2:10 But GOD is the one who is in control, He is the one who is responsible for other people. I am not able to carry that burden, I was never able to carry that burden, it never belonged on my shoulders, never.

Yet, even now, I still struggle with feelings of inadequacy, that others are better than I am, that I fail continually in my relationship with God and with others. I sometimes wonder if that is a result of my upbringing in the church (you can never do enough to please God completely) or part of my childhood upbringing at home, or if it is a dart from Satan to discourage me and keep me immobile (if I can’t do it right, or if I can’t do it all – I’ll do nothing). How often I have to lean back in the arms of my Father in Heaven and whisper, “Sorry, Father. I tried to take over your job again. Please forgive me. Help me live the way You want me to live, not under the expectations of others or even myself.”

But now, this is what the Lord says –
He who created you, O Jacob (O Cindie!),
He who formed you, O Israel (O Cindie!),
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you (Cindie);
I have summoned you by name (come here, Cindie!);
You (Cindie) are mine.
When you (Cindie) pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
And when you (Cindie) pass through the rivers,
They will not sweep over you.
When you (Cindie) walk through the fire,
You will not be burned;
The flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord, your (Cindie’s) God,
The Holy One of Israel,
Your (Cindie’s) Savior.
Isaiah 43:1-3a)