A Moment of Self-Discovery

Thunderhead
painting by Tim Cox

I had a moment of self-discovery tonight. Mel and I had gone to bed (oh, I am so glad he is home safe and sound!) and my mind was doing it's normal wandering all over the universe as I tried to go to sleep. After a long, meandering series of thoughts that led one to another to another, I remembered and started thinking about the clouds I wrote about in this post: Clouds. It suddenly hit me, in fact, I was suddenly wide awake because I finally realized something about myself.

I've been thinking a lot about personality traits over the past month. The reason is, the two other women now on our team have the same personality profile, which is different than mine. Very simplified: in this profile system there are 16 letters, in 'opposite' pairs, the last two being either a J or a P, which describe different personality traits. These two letters describe people who are opposites of each other in many ways. My two teammates are both J's and I am a very high P. Because I have had problems with high J personalities in the past who want to change me because I drive them nuts, I have been praying and wondering what is going to happen now. Praying that God will give me the ability to deal with people who want to schedule everything a month or 5 in advance, when I wake up happily every morning and think to myself, "Gee, I wonder what's going to happen today? I wonder what I want to do? What I should do today? Hmmm? Well, what ever happens, happens!" And I go merrily on my mostly unscheduled way. That is just part of it, but it gives a tiny glimpse into the differences. There is a lot of information about these two personalities, ISTP and ISTJ, on the internet (these are just two of 16 types). I've been rereading some of it, trying to prepare myself so I don't drive them totally nuts or get blindsided like I did about 15 years ago.

One of the things that has always puzzled me about the ISTP personality, which I fit very well for the most part, is the insistence that this personality type is the kind that likes to race cars, go sky diving, surfing, and do all sorts of things like this. I have never enjoyed doing stuff like that. Never. Ever.

But....

When I was thinking about those clouds tonight, remembering how big and bright and white and beautiful and violent and awesome and totally beyond anything man could ever do, I realized that the adrenalin was starting to pump through my system and I was getting excited and I was feeling 'happier' than I had been a few minutes before (although I was not unhappy at all to start with). I was feeling energized! Right when I should have been going to sleep. I wanted to jump out of bed and go find some clouds like that. Or a clear night sky - the kind where you can feel yourself falling into the universe as you look at Scorpio in the south or Casseopia above or the Milky Way splashed across the heavens. Or stand high on a mountain side, deeply breathing fresh cold air and wondering if anyone has ever stood in that exact spot before. Or stand on my parents deck in the middle of a wild thunderstorm, wind lashing the trees, lightening flashing so bright my eyes hurt, thunder crashing so loud it hits my chest. Or stand above the shore of the Pacific Ocean as the wind whips stinging raindrops against my face and salt water splashes from huge waves crashing violently and wildly on the rocks below me. Exileration! Excitement! Energy coursing through my whole body!

No wonder I feel so bored in Ukraine so often! None of these things ever happen here. I actually was feeling a tiny bit of this exileration the day of the dust storm, just because it was so unusual, wild and unexpected. I loved it while I hated it. :)

You know, that's the first time I've ever admitted "outloud" to anyone that I am bored in Ukraine..... I think this is partly why I blog - because I often relive these times as I write.

Yes, I had a moment of self-discovery tonight. Now, I just have to calm down enough to where I can go to sleep.....