and every knee will become as weak as water.
Ezekiel 7:17
I read America's Last Call, by David Wilkerson yesterday (took me two days to read it, actually, and you can only read it for free on the internet - you can't download it, to read otherwise, you must buy a copy). Then today I read The Worst Mississippi River Flood Ever, in The Economic Collapse blog. These two are both written by Christian men, although the second one is not a "Christian" blog, as I understand it.
Maybe I read too much. Maybe if I stuck my head in the sand like so many other people I know, I wouldn't have 'knees weak as water' right now.
Actually, I cannot do that. It is stupid to stick your head in the sand, to not know the times in which you live, to not be ready in as much as any one can be ready for what is coming.
I truly pray that there is a rapture of the Church before the Great Tribulation begins. We are so close... so very, very close.
And the days are flying by at an amazing rate of speed. It is already the 7th of May! The year will soon be half over, and then we'll turn around and it will be 2012. Times doesn't just fly - it speeds by like an ultra-sonic jet.
So, I continue to read, to think, to pray, to understand the times.
What disturbs me now is that I feel so unready for all of this. I want it to be just a few more years off in the future. I look at my spiritual state and in some ways I'm terrified. I see so much sin in my life, 'besetting sins' that I fight against, give in to, cry over, repent of and then the battle begins again. I wonder, can a truly born again person have this continual battle over the same sins, over and over and over again? Am I really one of God's chosen, one of His elect saints? Or am I deceiving myself and the sin I cannot conquer, cannot get rid of in my life is proof that I am none of His? Oh, how that terrifies my heart! I quake inside at the thought of the judgement that is to come from God Almighty on the unrepentant and I pray, Pray! that He will have mercy on my soul.
I told Mel not long ago that I wish I had died several years ago when I was still full of confidence in my relationship with God, that I had no doubts at all over the state of my soul. When I did not struggle as I struggle now with these sins, was in fact, unaware of many of them. Life was so much simpler then! And I was so confident in my salvation, in my relationship with God.
I know in my head, and I know in my heart, that I have received the mercy of Jesus Christ's blood shed on the cross for me, that it washes away my sin, makes me white as snow, that when God looks at me He sees the work of His Son and not unregenerate me. Yet...yet! I am aware of that sin and I am aware of the times when I say - "I'm tired of trying! I'm tired of fighting it! I'll give in right now and repent again later." And I wonder ... could a true born again Believer really do that?? What of this willful sin? Is it proof that I am not who I think I am? Has my life, my confidence all been a lie all this time?
Oh, the turmoil inside sometimes is almost overwhelming!
There are times when I want to curl up in a little ball (little - ha!) in the corner of a dark room, with my hands over my head and just sleep. There are other times when I never want to read another article, another news story, another blog as long as I live. There are times when I want to just do what I want to do and let the rest of the world go to hell in a hand basket (as my mother used to say).
But, I cannot do any of that. Tomorrow I will stand up in front of a dozen or two kids and teach that that Jesus promised his disciples that he would pray for them, and by extension - us. And that means me. I am a part of that 'us' if I am truly born again.
And I feel a sense of peace come over me as I think about it - that I have a great High Priest in heaven, standing before the Father, pleading my case, making intercession for me, that I do not stand alone.
Way back when I was pregnant and getting ready to deliver, I went through classes that taught us how to breathe and use our minds to help control the pain. We were supposed to make ourselves a warm beach to lie on and imagine ourselves there. Well, in a way, that is what I do now - only I don't make it up.
I "see" Christ standing there before the throne of God, interceeding for me, telling his Father that I am one of God's chosen, washed in the blood of the Lamb, dressed in white linen, purified. I focus on Christ - I see no face, just the form of a man with the marks of crucifixion on his head and hands and feet. And something inside me
relaxes
and calms
and I want to weep
in joy
and sadness
and release
and longing.
Come quickly, Lord Jesus!
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