I have not taken a shower since I wrote about our shower/faucet/kalunka last time. Mel and I were talking about it just a bit ago while I was adding more water to the washing machine. (I've written before how I always add water to this water-saver washer.) I was adding hot water since it was a load of whites, checking the temperature of the water off and on and listening very, very carefully to the water pressure as the water went through the kalunka. Standing there in the kitchen, if the kalunka had exploded, I would have been hit with a blast of steam and very hot metal. As Mel and I talked about the shower, I just burst into tears.
I guess I was more traumatized than I realized.
Is this like the proverbial getting bucked off a horse? Do I need to get right back on? Do I need to just get in there and take a shower? Mel has jury-rigged the nozzel so it hangs on a couple wires now. I won't have to hold it or hang it over my shoulder again. Hopefully.
I don't know. I do NOT want to ever take a shower in there again. That's all I DO know. Mel suggested I put a stool in the tub and just sit there and take a bath instead. (With the deeper depth of the tub, my size, the arthritis in my hands and having new knees, I can't sit in the tub and then get out. I love my new knees, but there are some real drawbacks to not being able to kneel on them any more. Imagine never kneeling on your knees again... I never realized how much we do that until I couldn't do it any more. Oh, getting older is no fun sometimes!!) I have a stool I can try - just not right now.
This all makes me feel more than a little depressed. And angry still. But who am I angry at? What am I angry at? I don't know. Terrified. Yes, that is a word that also applies.
Sigh.
So, I think to myself - have you prayed about this? And that opens up all sorts of things in my mind. Maybe I'm just angry at God for allowing this to happen in the first place. Maybe I'm angry that we have to put up with a stupid kalunka at all - if there can be very nice workable systems in other parts of the world, why is it like this here? Maybe I'm just angry at God for a whole lot of things here in Ukraine.
Do I even want to go there? No. Not right now. But I will.
A young woman talked to me a church yesterday. She is very hurt - emotionally and spiritually - by the actions of a professing Christian man. This man has hurt a lot of people in the church. The pain goes on and on. A liar. A thief. A swindler. A sham. A charming charismatic personality. A fake. And this young woman now "needs a rest" from using her spiritual gifts within the church. She is correct. She needs to rest and recooperate - both emotionally and spiritually. I told her that - but added "don't rest too long". She laughed because she understood what I was saying. I realized that I am still angry at the person who did this to her and to so many others. It's been going on for a long time and the pain and damage has just escalated. People on both sides of the pond have been hurt - but people here have been devastated.
Why, God? Why have you allowed this to happen? I do not understand. And I am angry - still. For how many years now? 5? 6? Oh! God - STOP him!!!
And yet - maybe that is exactly what is happening now. In my human understanding it sure seems to have taken God a long time to act. But maybe God has just allowed him to reach a depth that shows to everyone what he is. All I know for sure is that I am still angry and this young woman is another victim and it is going to take time for her to heal. I wonder about this man, and his own family, and I wonder - is this a blatant example of what an apostate is?
Hebrews 6:4-12
It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age, if they fall away, to be brought back to repentance, because to their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace.
Land that drinks in the rain often falling on it and that produces a crop useful to those for whom it is farmed receives the blessing of God. But land that produces thorns and thistles is worthless and is in danger of being cursed. In the end it will be burned.
Even though we speak like this, dear friends, we are confident of better things in your case—things that accompany salvation. God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure. We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised.
Another young family is once again without an income. The husband has lost another job. I know no details at this time. All I know is that they barely had enough money to buy food to start with. Now - what are they going to do? My heart aches for them.
God - what are you doing? Can't You give them a break?
So, I am angry over our shower and the kalunka. And I am angry over other things here in Ukraine. And I am concerned. Anger seems to define our world right now. Anger - acted out, turned inward (depression), guiding so many people through their days. We live in an angry world. And I am part of that.
This is not good.
Ephesians 4:17-32
So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more.
You, however, did not come to know Christ that way. Surely you heard of him and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.
Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need.
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Forgiving each other. whew. Bucket of cold water in the face - but then I wonder - if this man is not a Believer anyway, but an apostate...do I have to forgive him? ha ha (not funny). And - do I have to forgive the kalunka, too? ei yi yi. And, do I have to forgive God for what He is doing in other people's lives? NO!!! Not forgiveness, but submission.
And submission is so very, very hard.
Sigh. I'm so looking forward to heaven.
No comments:
Post a Comment